Life & Breakups

So, How have y'all been??!!  Its been such a long time!  huh?  Well, I have a ton of stuff going on in my life now and I figured why not blog???  Right!?

Anyhow, here is the reason why I feel the need to blog.....Ive always wrote blogs to help others who maybe going through things similar to me and hopefully it'll help someone else.  I always tend to write about my mental illness, my faith, and just life in general.  I am praying that this post will help me as well....you know, help clear my mind and maybe even get some insight from some others who maybe going through this as well.

So, 2 1/2 weeks ago, my son's father, my bf of the last 15 years has ended it with me......

Yea, that's exactly what I was thinking......This has been a really hard time for me.....If y'all have read my previous blogs, I am sure i have mentioned a list of mental issues I have, but if you don't know.....here is a list...

• bipolar disorder
• PTSD
• Borderline personality
• Adjustment disorder
• schezo
• social anxiety

So, you can only imagine how this has been going for me.

Week:1

 I was angry, sad, confused, scared, everything! Just a total wreck!!  I haven't had to work in like 8 years, to now.....I HAVE to work to get a place for my son and myself.  On top of that....its sooooo lonely! Especially if you have no friends and things because your focus has been on him for years!! And not on yourself. I constantly wanted to fight with him......just to have a conversation with him and stuff.  BUT, things are getting a little easier to deal with.

Week 2:

Getting easier.....I have finally just left him alone.  Which, when u still live under the same roof it is very hard!!  I finally told him I have no fight left in me.  I was soooo tired! Physically and mentally.  (the reason I am still in his house is because I have no where else to go and I just started working and its gonna take money to move) Anyhow.......I'm done. I am tired of questioning why I was not good enough.  Because, I am GOOD.  and if he didn't see that, well, his loss.  And I am FAR from perfect, I have done some messed up stuff in the past. I give you that.  And I own up to it.  BUT, I have been working hard on myself and my mental illnesses and I guess that just wasn't enough.

During this time I have really gone back to my faith.  I started back into Church.  And I am finally feeling more at peace with myself and this whole messed up situation.  I have been doing a ton of praying and I have come to this realization....

My daddy has always told me growing up that God will never put us through more then we can handle.  I am sure many of y'all have heard this same passage.  Forever I have always wondered if this is true.  I have been through soooo much in the past 39 years.  So much.  But, I have found comfort in my Heavenly Father.  Ive prayed and prayed and I just figure there is something soooo  much better out there for me. And no, I am not talking about a man, I am talking about continuing to better myself. My New Yrs Resolution was to become a better person, mentally, physically and spiritually.  I have lost 40lbs.  I am on a medicine cocktail now that honestly seems to help AND now.......I am drawing closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father.  I feel this is his way of making me better spiritually and that will lead to me being happier and healthier!

Sometimes the negativity and people that hold you back or bring you down need to be removed from our lives.  I know its hard and I know it isn't better over night, but, if you turn to our Heavenly Father....he will comfort you.  Have faith and trust in him that he has a better plan for you.  Start living life for yourself & God and no one else(unless u have kids)

If you are going through anything like this, just know.....

Have a blessed day!

NEW MEDS UGH

Happy Saturday yall!!  So, I have been pretty sick and I have been going to the dr alot lately.  I dont know if I have mentioned in previous posts, but, I was dx'ed with Bipolar disorder back in 08.  I havent been taking meds for it for a couple of years, just coping.  Learning my triggers.....eating right....exercising.  Doing good, Well, I have been having some really horriable headaches lately.  My dr got me to go have an MRI done and some lab work,  My MRI came back ok, I do have swollen arteries and veins though.

My blood work wasnt the best either.  My cholesterol was high and  my sugar was almost high enough to dx me as diabetic.  :( BUT, instead of putting me on Meds, I am trying to get back into eating right and exercising.  (except the fact that my knee has been popping out for a week now and hurts) So, makes it really hard to exercise.(cardio)  My dr suggested for me to go and see a neurologist.  I went and seen one on Weds.  He actually asked me why I wasnt taking anything for my bipolar disorder.  My reply was, I dont like taking meds....BUT.........

I dont like taking the meds cause I know for a few years I was being put on EVERYTHING!  NOTHING was working right for me.  I was on serequel and, gained 75lbs.... I was on sooooo much stuff and I HATED the way most of this stuff made me feel. I remember geodon, CRACK! I didnt sleep for a week on that crap.  Tegretal, I got this HORRIBLE rash.  I mean, do u blame me for just saying screw it?  Ya know???  Well, this dr said that I need to be taking something for it cause it can contribute to my headaches.

So, "here we go again!"  He perscribed me Lamictal 25mgs.  I started taking them yesterday morning.  I HATE it so far!!!  about an hr after I take it, My heart gets to beating in my throat.....I get jittery and and anxious.  EVERYTIME ive taken it.  I want to stop, i want to just throw it away!!  My daughter keeps telling me to give it at least a week.  And I know it takes these meds a little time to get into your system, and I am really trying to continue it.  Have any of u taken this??  What are ur experiances??? PLEASE give me a advice!!!!!!  Anyhow, I am going to go watch the Ga game.  I just dont understand all these meds and wanted to vent a little. I mean, whats the point in taking this stuff when u feel even more crazy on the meds? Make since?

Have a Blessed Saturday!

feeling some type of way.........(religion)

Howdy!!!!  This blog is just my opinions and how I feel.  Please, no bashing, but please share thoughts in appropriate ways.  Like adults please!!  I wouldn't bash any of y'all and I really hope to get the same respect.  But, I need some help.........

I am Mormon, or LDS......and something happened the other day that just has really hurt my heart and has really made me feel some type of way!!!!  I really need some advice......I need to know if it's normal to feel how I am feeling or is it just my mental illness causing me to just over analyze this issue.

You see..... I LOVE my faith, I love everything about it! But sometimes I don't get the people of the Church.  I am a convert to the Church(2007) and I do most of my studying on my own.  I feel like if I learn about it on my own and pray about it, I am closer to my Heavenly Father and I tend to comprehend things better.  So, that's just how I do things.....that's how I roll...lol  I do LOVE going to Sacrament and to my classes as well, but sometimes it just feels awkward.  I am NOT perfect, and I know this!!  I also know that not everyone in our Church is as perfect as they front either, or can u say "fake" in today's terminology.

In my situation.......I know I probably will never go to the Temple, and sometimes at Church I really feel like people always judge me.  And that sucks!! Its very hard to attend Church after your heart gets hurt by the ones you trust within the Church.  A couple of years ago some things went down and I'm not going into all that in this blog(maybe at a later time), But, I became inactive.  Once you become inactive...it really is hard to get back into going....u know??  Its a BIG step to do it!!  Well, I missed Church, honest!!! So, back before I started my blog I began going back.  I was doing good too!!  I was participating in activities not just on Sunday.  And I really feel so good in my heart when I am in Church and I also know I shouldn't NOT go because of others but with my mental illness it just seems harder on me.  I do suffer from bipolar, social anxiety, adjustment disorder along with anxiety and many other things.  I did really good for about a month until my daughter moved in with my grandson and I had to adjust to all of the changes I was dealing with, so, guess what.....I withdrew from things. (that's just how I cope)  Church was one of them.

Before all of this happened I was taking a financial class(which I LOVED and my teacher as well).  And I specifically asked who my Home visiting teacher was because I have NEVER had one come or contact me the whole time I have been in my ward!!!!!!!! which is about 6 years now.  I know who my VT is, and I love her with all my heart, but, after the last time she came by(about 4 months ago) I haven't heard from her.  No phone call.....no email......no Facebook message......nothing???  And usually the missionaries come by and see how inactive members are and try to get them back into Church, yea.....its been a while on that too. 

 But last week I got a phone call.  Yes, it was someone from the Church, but they were calling to make sure I knew it was my Saturday to come in and clean the building.  I didn't have a ride and I'll be darned if someone (who I don't know) called me to let me know they would pick me up and everything!!!!!  And I really was going to do it but my carpel tunnel is really bad right now and I am in a splint until I can line up my surgery with an orthopedic.

OK, here is my thing.....and I really could use some feedback PLEASE.......Am I normal for feeling some type of way???  Is it normal that it breaks my heart that I "thought" I had real friends that cared about me????  If the Church really cared, why haven't they reached out to me other then to let me know its my turn to do something for them???? Am I wrong????  Is it just the adversary???  or my mental illness???

To those of you who are members, can you do me a favor???  Reach out to your converts!!  It is really hard to live this lifestyle without a support system!!!  If you have inactive members, call them!! send them a text!!! See how they are doing!!!!!  And people!!!! If you have a calling, such as VT or a Home teacher, do your callings!!! Aren't y'all supposed to be NOT making members feel like me??  How does the Church expect to get members and keep members if they act like they care in Church but outside of Church its like you don't even exist!!  That's really a good way to push people away from the Church!!! I promise ya!!!!!  I talk about going to Church every week!!!  And I still don't go because I feel like I am not even wanted there in the first place!

I am not trying to put my Church down, 

I am not trying to disrespect the Church.

I love my religion and all it stands for

It has made me a better person even if I am not perfect and I know my Heavenly Father still loves me no matter what!

I just wish some of these "members" would take a step back and look at themselves before judging others!!! As members of the Church we should be building each other up, not breaking each other down!!!!

I am sorry for the rant but It is really on my heart to seek advice and figure out what I need to do.  If your reading this, I am grateful for any help or suggestions.  I've been praying and my heart has really been hurting over this and I don't know what to do. Thanks in advance for any advice!!  And if you dont wanna comment......send me a quick little message there on the right side!!

Muahs & #stayblesse

Hey Yall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, have you missed me??  I hope so!!!!  lol Anyways, so much is going on right now.......I HAVE to write somewhere before I go even more insane then I already am!!!!!!

First off, I did my nails today!!!!  I am sooooooo ready for Spring!

Aren't they adorable????  I am just thankful I was actually able to take a min and get them done......I am not sure how I am feeling about these jamberrys yet.  I have a blog coming soon about that!! (promise)

Anyhow, now to write......

OK, as many of my readers know about me as of now is that I am Bipolar.  Yea, It sucks and yes, I am 37 years old and still learning how to cope with it and it is hard.  Always a battle. And I always hate it when it affects my relationships!!! especially with my daughter!!!! (or any of my family)

When your bipolar, a schedule is a MUST!!! At least for me it is????  I need some bipolar friends to talk to sometimes.....smh!  Anyhow, my daughter and my grandson moved in with my bf, son and myself back in November.  Am I thankful.....YES, is it hard on me??? HECK YES!!!  Anyhow, November to Feb I have been adjusting to having her here and also adjusting to a toddler running around and always into something.  I have had to adjust to more laundry, but that's OK too. I am thankful we have clothes too wash.....lol  I have had to adjust to toys everywhere, but that's OK because at least he has toys.  Y'all get what I am saying, right??  I mean, Yes......all of it is an adjustment and yes it is harder on me, but I manage to get through it.

*disclaimer* y'all, I started this blog a couple of weeks ago!!!! And I am just now back on the draft!!  Another downfall to being bipolar.  I don't have the attention span I need to finish things!!!!

Anyhow, as I was saying, things are just 100x's worse on me then it is on someone without being bipolar!!!  And the hardest thing to do is to explain to someone who is aka "normal".  norms just don't get it!!!!  I have found that writing to y'all does help, I just have to finish what I start!!!

Guess what......so they changed my daughters schedule!! Found this out this week.  Her new schedule consist of me keeping my grandson from about 2 pm until 10 am the following morning!!!  So, more adjusting!!! BUT!!  My daughter and I are doing better, I just hate when I get moody and she don't understand and she gets attitude back and all......just causes more stress but, I am trying to be patient and continue to pray and get through all this!!!!  I am thankful that my daughter was blessed with this job since she is mom & dad for my grandson and I promise I am gonna continue to help her achieve her dreams......even if it is hell on me!!  Isn't that what moms do???  I mean, my mom wasn't there for me, other things had her attention(RIP).  I always said that is something I will always be for my kids.....there for them!!!!  That's only what is right!!! right???

Thanks for letting me vent!!!! I know it is all over the place(thanks to being manic) but it does help me cope and get through things!!!!

I hope all of you are doing good and as always #stayblessed

MUAHS!

Fitness Friday!!!!!

Good morning y'all!! It's FITNESS FRIDAY!!!! That's right.....and it seems be my most popular posts since if been doing my blog!! So, are you ready?? Let's get started😝

Today i want to talk a little about fitness and mental health...cool???

Y'all know those never ending cycles that come with life??

Ex: you need a job....but,don't have a vehicle to get back and forth to work; can't get a vehicle cause you need a job to pay for it

Well, you need too exercise to feel better....but whatever illness your dealing with has already  brought you down so, it's hard to motivate yourself. Its a back and forth battle. And yes, i struggle with this too! So, i can really relate.

Exercise releases endorphins, which create feelings of happiness and euphoria. Studies have shown that exercise can even alleviate symptoms among the clinically depressed . For this reason, docs recommend that people suffering from depression or anxiety (or those who are just feeling blue) pencil in plenty of gym time. In some cases, exercise can be just as effective as antidepressant pills in treating depression....
But, when your depressed or other mental illnesses.....it's really a challenge just to make yourself get out and exercise!!

 One of the most common mental benefits of exercise is stress relief. Working up a sweat can help manage physical and mental stress. Exercise also increases concentrations of norepinephrine, a chemical that can moderate the brain’s response to stress

For some, a moderate workout can be the equivalent of a sleeping pill, even for people with insomnia . Moving around five to six hours before bedtime raises the body’s core temperature. When the body temp drops back to normal a few hours later, it signals the body that it’s time to sleep 

This is good to know. I mean.....anyone else out there like me?? When you go to bed and your so tired....then your brain just doesn't shut up!!?? It's one of the most annoying....frustrating things ever. I hate laying in bed watching the clock!  They make for the longest nights of your life!!

Y'all know I've mentioned that i don't take medication for my bipolar disorder(and a few other mental things....yes, i know! I'm legit crazy lol) and when i was going to the gym every day....i felt so much better!!
·I was excited to workout
·I had so much more energy
·I was sleeping at night
·I was managing my anxiety better
·My mood swings decreased

But once i broke my foot last year and wasn't able to workout, my mental health started to decline again. And this week has been especially hard on me.

I know it's hard to get motivated when your down. Or, when you didn't sleep the night before due to the racing thoughts.....but, if you JUST DO IT, and give it at least a week....i promise ya....you will feel better! And you will benefit from it....both physically and mentally!!
You don't have to go to the gym every day....or be Shaun T over night....just try simple ways to start moving...like:
· take a 30 min walk in the evening
·or stand at work instead of sitting
·Park further away at the grocery store
·Take the stairs instead of the elevator
·Fix your yard up
You can do this, and please remember that your not alone.

Update on my weight loss journey:
This week I'm still struggling a little with my eating habits. But, when i eat....it's hasn't been junk. So, I'm proud of that. Now it's time to go for a nice walk and so should you!😉

Muahs!

Melissa aka maduke

adjustment disorder

So....yesterday was not the best day for me. I swear i experienced every emotion!

Along with my bipolar disorder(and many other mental illness i have) another thing i struggle with is adjustment disorder. This really sucks.

An adjustment disorder (AD) occurs when an individual is unable to adjust to or cope with a particular stressor, like a major life event. Since people with this disorder normally have symptoms that depressed people do, such as general loss of interest, feelings of hopelessness and crying, this disorder is sometimes known as situational depression. Unlike major depression the disorder is caused by an outside stressor and generally resolves once the individual is able to adapt to the situation.

Some emotional signs of adjustment disorder are

·Sadness
·Hopelessness
·Lack of enjoyment
·Crying spells
·Nervousness
·Anxiety
·Worry
·Desperation
·Trouble sleeping
·Difficulty concentrating
·Feeling overwhelmed
·thoughts of suicide

Some behavioral signs of AD are

·Fighting
·Reckless driving
·Ignoring important tasks such as bills or homework
·Seeking approval from others by any way possible (cheating/lying/escaping reality)
·Avoiding family or friends
·Performing poorly in school/wk
·Skipping school/wk
·Vandalizing property

When my Dr explained this sickness too me, she said that my body adapts to change, but....it is harder and takes longer for my brain too adjust to change.....which brings me too my day yesterday.

Y'all know my daughter and her son came to visit last month. Well, due too some circumstances....we have decided that her and Karsyn would be moving back in with us. Yay!! Yes.....I'm super excited! I'll get to be with my daughter and grandson all the time!! Anyhow, this move is a great thing! I know this is what my daughter needs so she can start building a life with her son.

The thing i hate most about AD it's how it effects others around you. We live in a small 2 bedroom house with 3 people and 2 dogs(plus a foster/stray) and now I'm having to accommodate for another adult and a toddler. I really don't mind it!! Really!!

Anyhow, yesterday i was cleaning out my son's room, making room to add my daughter's bed and stuff,and it was totally overwhelming!! I swear i cried, screamed, yelled, threw stuff.....bad day all together😣 the worse thing about it is.....i can't control all these emotions and it completely drains me when i have one of those days. On top of that, my daughter made a few comments like she felt like she was taking her brothers room from him(not true....her brother totally understands)  and also she said she felt as though she is imposing.(also not true, d and myself really enjoy having them here)

It really hurts my heart to know my daughter feels like this and i know it's because of my actions😞 but, these are things i can't control.

I feel like I'm really just writing this blog for those of you who have loved ones suffering from this. I'm trying to show you that when things like this happen, it's not us being mad at anyone....it's not us not liking the situation.....it's just us,  and how we cope with change and adjust.  So please, never....NEVER take anything you hear or see to heart....please. it's so hard to have someone who completely understand us and our disorder. D has been with me for 12 years and i still don't even think he truly understands my disabilities or completely gets it. I pray this blog helps my loved ones(and others dealing with this) understand mine(or anyone else's) behavior just a little better.

If you wanna read more about adjustment disorder go here. I really do believe the first step to helping someone is learning and understanding things about their disability.

And with me, when i get this way....it's so frustrating to not be able to control all these emotions, which makes me frustrated and heightens my anxiety. Who else had AD?? What helps y'all cope with change?

And to my daughter who might read this.....i love you! I'm very glad your here....I'm thankful for you....you have always supported me and have always helped me when it comes to my disabilities. Thank you for being understanding most of the time😝 lol

Muahs!