So, How have y'all been??!! Its been such a long time! huh? Well, I have a ton of stuff going on in my life now and I figured why not blog??? Right!?
Anyhow, here is the reason why I feel the need to blog.....Ive always wrote blogs to help others who maybe going through things similar to me and hopefully it'll help someone else. I always tend to write about my mental illness, my faith, and just life in general. I am praying that this post will help me as well....you know, help clear my mind and maybe even get some insight from some others who maybe going through this as well.
So, 2 1/2 weeks ago, my son's father, my bf of the last 15 years has ended it with me......
Yea, that's exactly what I was thinking......This has been a really hard time for me.....If y'all have read my previous blogs, I am sure i have mentioned a list of mental issues I have, but if you don't know.....here is a list...
- bipolar disorder
- PTSD
- Borderline personality
- Adjustment disorder
- schezo
- social anxiety
Week:1
I was angry, sad, confused, scared, everything! Just a total wreck!! I haven't had to work in like 8 years, to now.....I HAVE to work to get a place for my son and myself. On top of that....its sooooo lonely! Especially if you have no friends and things because your focus has been on him for years!! And not on yourself. I constantly wanted to fight with him......just to have a conversation with him and stuff. BUT, things are getting a little easier to deal with.
Week 2:
Getting easier.....I have finally just left him alone. Which, when u still live under the same roof it is very hard!! I finally told him I have no fight left in me. I was soooo tired! Physically and mentally. (the reason I am still in his house is because I have no where else to go and I just started working and its gonna take money to move) Anyhow.......I'm done. I am tired of questioning why I was not good enough. Because, I am GOOD. and if he didn't see that, well, his loss. And I am FAR from perfect, I have done some messed up stuff in the past. I give you that. And I own up to it. BUT, I have been working hard on myself and my mental illnesses and I guess that just wasn't enough.
During this time I have really gone back to my faith. I started back into Church. And I am finally feeling more at peace with myself and this whole messed up situation. I have been doing a ton of praying and I have come to this realization....
My daddy has always told me growing up that God will never put us through more then we can handle. I am sure many of y'all have heard this same passage. Forever I have always wondered if this is true. I have been through soooo much in the past 39 years. So much. But, I have found comfort in my Heavenly Father. Ive prayed and prayed and I just figure there is something soooo much better out there for me. And no, I am not talking about a man, I am talking about continuing to better myself. My New Yrs Resolution was to become a better person, mentally, physically and spiritually. I have lost 40lbs. I am on a medicine cocktail now that honestly seems to help AND now.......I am drawing closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father. I feel this is his way of making me better spiritually and that will lead to me being happier and healthier!
Sometimes the negativity and people that hold you back or bring you down need to be removed from our lives. I know its hard and I know it isn't better over night, but, if you turn to our Heavenly Father....he will comfort you. Have faith and trust in him that he has a better plan for you. Start living life for yourself & God and no one else(unless u have kids)
If you are going through anything like this, just know.....
Have a blessed day!
