Life & Breakups

So, How have y'all been??!!  Its been such a long time!  huh?  Well, I have a ton of stuff going on in my life now and I figured why not blog???  Right!?

Anyhow, here is the reason why I feel the need to blog.....Ive always wrote blogs to help others who maybe going through things similar to me and hopefully it'll help someone else.  I always tend to write about my mental illness, my faith, and just life in general.  I am praying that this post will help me as well....you know, help clear my mind and maybe even get some insight from some others who maybe going through this as well.

So, 2 1/2 weeks ago, my son's father, my bf of the last 15 years has ended it with me......

Yea, that's exactly what I was thinking......This has been a really hard time for me.....If y'all have read my previous blogs, I am sure i have mentioned a list of mental issues I have, but if you don't know.....here is a list...

• bipolar disorder
• PTSD
• Borderline personality
• Adjustment disorder
• schezo
• social anxiety

So, you can only imagine how this has been going for me.

Week:1

 I was angry, sad, confused, scared, everything! Just a total wreck!!  I haven't had to work in like 8 years, to now.....I HAVE to work to get a place for my son and myself.  On top of that....its sooooo lonely! Especially if you have no friends and things because your focus has been on him for years!! And not on yourself. I constantly wanted to fight with him......just to have a conversation with him and stuff.  BUT, things are getting a little easier to deal with.

Week 2:

Getting easier.....I have finally just left him alone.  Which, when u still live under the same roof it is very hard!!  I finally told him I have no fight left in me.  I was soooo tired! Physically and mentally.  (the reason I am still in his house is because I have no where else to go and I just started working and its gonna take money to move) Anyhow.......I'm done. I am tired of questioning why I was not good enough.  Because, I am GOOD.  and if he didn't see that, well, his loss.  And I am FAR from perfect, I have done some messed up stuff in the past. I give you that.  And I own up to it.  BUT, I have been working hard on myself and my mental illnesses and I guess that just wasn't enough.

During this time I have really gone back to my faith.  I started back into Church.  And I am finally feeling more at peace with myself and this whole messed up situation.  I have been doing a ton of praying and I have come to this realization....

My daddy has always told me growing up that God will never put us through more then we can handle.  I am sure many of y'all have heard this same passage.  Forever I have always wondered if this is true.  I have been through soooo much in the past 39 years.  So much.  But, I have found comfort in my Heavenly Father.  Ive prayed and prayed and I just figure there is something soooo  much better out there for me. And no, I am not talking about a man, I am talking about continuing to better myself. My New Yrs Resolution was to become a better person, mentally, physically and spiritually.  I have lost 40lbs.  I am on a medicine cocktail now that honestly seems to help AND now.......I am drawing closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father.  I feel this is his way of making me better spiritually and that will lead to me being happier and healthier!

Sometimes the negativity and people that hold you back or bring you down need to be removed from our lives.  I know its hard and I know it isn't better over night, but, if you turn to our Heavenly Father....he will comfort you.  Have faith and trust in him that he has a better plan for you.  Start living life for yourself & God and no one else(unless u have kids)

If you are going through anything like this, just know.....

Have a blessed day!

Manic Monday!!!!! anything goes!!

Hey Y'all!! I know, I know, once again........looooooonnnnggggg time!!! NO MORE!! I really swear. lol  How have my lovely beauties been??  I pray y'all have been doing just fine!!! 

So, #manicmonday!!!!??  Y'all know that means I am free to right about anything and in any order that I want!! This is my day to release anything that may be on my mind at any given time hahahaha!!

First thing first.......

                                                                       RIP Punk!!!!!

Punk was my kids paw paw on their dads side.  My ex-husbands dad.  This man right here.......y'all!!  I love this man like he is my own dad!!  I went through so much with this family but this man right here NEVER once judged me or treated me any differently no matter what me and his son were going through!!  He loved everybody and was a typical southern preacher.  He knew what our purpose in life was and his goal was to save anyone or anything he ever came into contact with!!  I have shared his birthday with him for the last 20 years and I am honestly gonna hate not being able to call him and cut up with him and tell him happy birthday anymore, which breaks my heart.  I do know he is home with our Heavenly Father and I know he is gonna be missed by so many!  I just hope my kids know that they have a lot of their paw paws ways and he will continue to live on....through them!



punk(right) and his brother Pete

 

Next, I finally got me a new laptop so I can continue my blog!!  It is the cutest little thing ever!!  I am glad I found this.  I have been looking, trying to find a laptop that I like for a decent price.  I really hate making such large purchases!  Many of the little laptops I have found like the chromebooks and netbooks, have NO memory!! And I am a picture taker!! I need memory!!  lol  I found the HP stream notebook. 
The price? 210.00 after taxes
The memory? 2gb

The memory scares me but, it does come with 1gb with the cloud!!  It also has a place for jump drives and a SD card.  I pray memory will not be too big of a problem!  I also have my ICloud synced with the laptop, so, that's more memory right there!!  It has a webcam.......its really LOUD!! AND super cute!!!  So far I am delightfully surprised!

 

 

My final topic tonight is family, mainly siblings!  Y'all know I have already told u about my grandsons "sperm donor" and how he acted towards his son not to long back, right? Well, we ran into his other babies mommas tonight at Walmart!  These girls were the sweetest and guess what??  Just like Karsyn, these kids do not know their "sperm donor" either!!!!  We did decided to set up a play date because just because their dad isn't around, doesn't mean they don't have anyone.  I mean, in the long run, they will know each either and they will be able to help each other when needed!!  It really bothers me though because not one of these kids asked to be here and I don't think it is right that they have to suffer!!  so.......ladies with kids and your baby daddy has other kids by other women, please! Put your differences aside and let these kids know their siblings!! Cause y'all know what??  I know I am getting old and when I die.....guess who my kids will have???? each other!!!  And after seeing punks family this week at the funeral, I see how important siblings are and how one day, that's gonna be all we have. 



 

 

well, I hope my rambling didnt bother u too bad lol!! Tomorrow?? #terrifictuesday

 

muahs!!!!

 



fitness Friday!!

hey yall!! hope your Thanksgiving was perfect! lol

today is fitness Friday. man, if i was to take measurements today I'd prob cry!! so, no measurements, but, i will tell you what my biggest hurdle has been since getting ready to tackle this fitness thing again.

food:
i HATE food!! i hate to eat. i don't know why but i do. I'm like completely opposite of people with weight issues. i don't over eat, in fact...... my hurdle has always been getting enough calories in a day. my body goes into starvation mode, so, anything i do eat, my body wants to hold on to all the fats and sugars because it"doesn't know" when I'll eat again.
this week I've been trying to eat at least three times a day. my goal is to eat 6 small meals, but I'm honestly lucky to eat 2.

I've also tried cutting out bad sugars this week.(haha) i have to make little small changes at a time.

that is my tip for you today. if your starting a fitness program.... take your time. each week add a little more activity or a little less bad calories. getting into shape isn't easy...
it's NOT gonna happen over night...
it's more then a diet, it's a lifestyle change!

if your problem is soft drinks.... cut back the first week.
i find it easier to make one small change each week. that way you don't get overwhelmed and give up early.

if you fall, it's ok! start over. NEVER give up! you CAN do it!! and so can i! i have faith in us!

so, until my next post, here are my fav pics from Thanksgiving...

this last one is my dad, me, step mom, and my step bros! yes, I'm the only girl lol!

how's your lifestyle change going?
muahs

down 75lbs up 25

Hey sweets 🍬! How are y'all today? Hope your staying warm!! I've really been thinking about this blog. I'm not a professional writer, I don't have a degree. All I have are life experiences. I've been really just thinking of different topics of things other people can possibly learn from me and/or be entertained. So, one of the many things I look up are weight loss tips and tricks.
But, hey!! I wanna learn from y'all too!
I was thin in middle school. But in 9th grade,I started to gain a lil weight..... Maybe just filling out?

Middle school 8th grade prom

Summer before 10th grade

So, I was always considered "big boned"
Once I got pregnant and 3 kids later...... I was pretty plump lol
In 2007 I started doing a ton of walking while I lived in Utah and started losing weight... Yay!

2007 at about my lowest weight since high school
175lbs

Once I moved back to Georgia IT HAPPENED
I was dx'ed with bipolar disorder. As anyone that has a mental illness knows, it's hard at the beginning while the Dr tries all the different med cocktails. The emotional rollercoaster, getting sick, hives, adverse reactions, weight gain, weight loss, sleeping all the time, not sleeping at all, ECT
It really takes a toll on your body. By the time they got my meds adjusted and together I was pretty much at my heaviest and still gaining weight

Me in 2011 at my heaviest
275lbs

Y'all, I was miserable!! I had NO energy
I wanted to sleep all the time
I was a walking zombie
Never left the house

So, can someone please explain to me how the meds were helping me other then sedating me!!?
In 2012 I did the unthinkable.

I do NOT condone this or say it's ok without talking to your Dr first

I stopped ALL meds! Cold turkey!! And it was not easy. But, after 6 months, as I started recognizing my triggers, and knowing how I react to things....i started managing it on my own. Yes, I'd have panic attacks, yes... There were sleepless nights... But, I coped with it and got through it, and still get through it.
Then, weight started falling off. I wasn't dieting, I wasn't exercising, just losing weight.
Within four months I was wearing an 11/12 from a 16/18. Went to the Dr and had lost 60lbs. The Dr did blood work and everything came back normal. He said he was glad of the weight loss(cause I was overweight) but not the way I was losing it. He said it was probably due to anxiety. He suggested me going back on my meds!! I wasn't hearing that!!

So, can you guess what I did?????

I took advantage of this opportunity to make a lifestyle change! I started getting more active and just watching my portions. And, it worked.... The weight kept coming off

So, I took it to a whole other level.
started walking to the gym Mon-Fri (4 miles)
I started running
I added weight training
And started trying to EAT CLEAN as much as possible

It was working great too! Until I broke my foot! Ever since then my motivation had just disappeared!! And it makes me so angry at myself because I've gained back 25lbs and can't get off my butt to get back at it when I know it can be done!!
All it takes is

•becoming more active
• portion control
• eat as clean as possible
• weight training
• time
•dedication
•motivation

Which I'm really lacking in the motivation part!!
Y'all have any tips?
Starting Friday I'm gonna do fitness Friday. I'll take my measurements and weight, and share tips, ups, downs, anything fitness related!! Maybe this will help keep me accountable!

Y'all should join me and we can do this together!!
Muahs