Life & Breakups

So, How have y'all been??!!  Its been such a long time!  huh?  Well, I have a ton of stuff going on in my life now and I figured why not blog???  Right!?

Anyhow, here is the reason why I feel the need to blog.....Ive always wrote blogs to help others who maybe going through things similar to me and hopefully it'll help someone else.  I always tend to write about my mental illness, my faith, and just life in general.  I am praying that this post will help me as well....you know, help clear my mind and maybe even get some insight from some others who maybe going through this as well.

So, 2 1/2 weeks ago, my son's father, my bf of the last 15 years has ended it with me......

Yea, that's exactly what I was thinking......This has been a really hard time for me.....If y'all have read my previous blogs, I am sure i have mentioned a list of mental issues I have, but if you don't know.....here is a list...

• bipolar disorder
• PTSD
• Borderline personality
• Adjustment disorder
• schezo
• social anxiety

So, you can only imagine how this has been going for me.

Week:1

 I was angry, sad, confused, scared, everything! Just a total wreck!!  I haven't had to work in like 8 years, to now.....I HAVE to work to get a place for my son and myself.  On top of that....its sooooo lonely! Especially if you have no friends and things because your focus has been on him for years!! And not on yourself. I constantly wanted to fight with him......just to have a conversation with him and stuff.  BUT, things are getting a little easier to deal with.

Week 2:

Getting easier.....I have finally just left him alone.  Which, when u still live under the same roof it is very hard!!  I finally told him I have no fight left in me.  I was soooo tired! Physically and mentally.  (the reason I am still in his house is because I have no where else to go and I just started working and its gonna take money to move) Anyhow.......I'm done. I am tired of questioning why I was not good enough.  Because, I am GOOD.  and if he didn't see that, well, his loss.  And I am FAR from perfect, I have done some messed up stuff in the past. I give you that.  And I own up to it.  BUT, I have been working hard on myself and my mental illnesses and I guess that just wasn't enough.

During this time I have really gone back to my faith.  I started back into Church.  And I am finally feeling more at peace with myself and this whole messed up situation.  I have been doing a ton of praying and I have come to this realization....

My daddy has always told me growing up that God will never put us through more then we can handle.  I am sure many of y'all have heard this same passage.  Forever I have always wondered if this is true.  I have been through soooo much in the past 39 years.  So much.  But, I have found comfort in my Heavenly Father.  Ive prayed and prayed and I just figure there is something soooo  much better out there for me. And no, I am not talking about a man, I am talking about continuing to better myself. My New Yrs Resolution was to become a better person, mentally, physically and spiritually.  I have lost 40lbs.  I am on a medicine cocktail now that honestly seems to help AND now.......I am drawing closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father.  I feel this is his way of making me better spiritually and that will lead to me being happier and healthier!

Sometimes the negativity and people that hold you back or bring you down need to be removed from our lives.  I know its hard and I know it isn't better over night, but, if you turn to our Heavenly Father....he will comfort you.  Have faith and trust in him that he has a better plan for you.  Start living life for yourself & God and no one else(unless u have kids)

If you are going through anything like this, just know.....

Have a blessed day!

NEW MEDS UGH

Happy Saturday yall!!  So, I have been pretty sick and I have been going to the dr alot lately.  I dont know if I have mentioned in previous posts, but, I was dx'ed with Bipolar disorder back in 08.  I havent been taking meds for it for a couple of years, just coping.  Learning my triggers.....eating right....exercising.  Doing good, Well, I have been having some really horriable headaches lately.  My dr got me to go have an MRI done and some lab work,  My MRI came back ok, I do have swollen arteries and veins though.

My blood work wasnt the best either.  My cholesterol was high and  my sugar was almost high enough to dx me as diabetic.  :( BUT, instead of putting me on Meds, I am trying to get back into eating right and exercising.  (except the fact that my knee has been popping out for a week now and hurts) So, makes it really hard to exercise.(cardio)  My dr suggested for me to go and see a neurologist.  I went and seen one on Weds.  He actually asked me why I wasnt taking anything for my bipolar disorder.  My reply was, I dont like taking meds....BUT.........

I dont like taking the meds cause I know for a few years I was being put on EVERYTHING!  NOTHING was working right for me.  I was on serequel and, gained 75lbs.... I was on sooooo much stuff and I HATED the way most of this stuff made me feel. I remember geodon, CRACK! I didnt sleep for a week on that crap.  Tegretal, I got this HORRIBLE rash.  I mean, do u blame me for just saying screw it?  Ya know???  Well, this dr said that I need to be taking something for it cause it can contribute to my headaches.

So, "here we go again!"  He perscribed me Lamictal 25mgs.  I started taking them yesterday morning.  I HATE it so far!!!  about an hr after I take it, My heart gets to beating in my throat.....I get jittery and and anxious.  EVERYTIME ive taken it.  I want to stop, i want to just throw it away!!  My daughter keeps telling me to give it at least a week.  And I know it takes these meds a little time to get into your system, and I am really trying to continue it.  Have any of u taken this??  What are ur experiances??? PLEASE give me a advice!!!!!!  Anyhow, I am going to go watch the Ga game.  I just dont understand all these meds and wanted to vent a little. I mean, whats the point in taking this stuff when u feel even more crazy on the meds? Make since?

Have a Blessed Saturday!

Beautiful Sabbath and me vs the adversary....

Good Morning my beautiful Internet friends! How are y'all doing??  I have been working on a couple of blogs and I will be publishing them soon!!  BUT right now I really wanna talk about the adversary and just how much he is working against me......AND how I am retaliating and fighting right back!!! (which, is  NOT easy!)

 I believe I have mentioned my goals recently......anyhow, I am due for my interview to get my patriarchal blessing this weds.......OH NO!!  I am gonna have to change! my son has a football game!! SEE???  that's the stuff I am talking about! Anyhoo,  I have been busting my behind to do what I am supposed to do so I know I am worthy of it!!  One of the main things is to attend Church like I am supposed to, and I have! Has it been easy??? Heck no! Not at all!!!  I am gonna give u an example of how the adversary is soooo working against me.

I went to the Dr on Tues of last week.  My health isn't the best right now(blog to come) and whenever I get into Church, and doing what I am supposed to do, It's like the adversary uses my bipolar and anxiety to work against me.  I have been stretched soooooo far in running errands and being responsible for having everyone to work, practice, Dr's, etc I just don't have time for myself!  My Dr told me to take 30 mins a day for me.  And that doesn't happen. 

I got up yesterday (Sunday) morning at 630am, and my anxiety kicked in  right off the bat!!!  I had to have my daughter to work at 830am which means that my grandson had to get up and get ready for Church with me since I watch him!  All I could think was, Church is the ONLY thing I have that's MINE!  That's the 3 hrs a week I get away and learn and draw closer to my Heavenly Father! (I mean, minus scripture study and daily prayer) But, you get what I am saying!? Right??? Well, I hate when the adversary gets in my head like that!!  And when I feel rushed, it kicks my anxiety through the roof!!  He was playing so hard against me that I even said, "screw it, I'm NOT going!"  BUT, I took a moment and prayed.  I prayed hard too.  I prayed for a calm to come over me, I prayed that Heavenly Father would strengthen me to continue to endure......  and it worked, I had a calm feeling come over me and I said I'm NOT gonna rush, So, I proceeded to get ready and get my grandson ready.   We were running late, but hey......we were getting there!! lol

he cleans up nicely!

OMGosh!! He really reminds me of my youngest when he was little!! Let me see if I can find a pic!! hold on........

This isn't the picture I wanted, I have one of My son in a tie too.  I believe my son was about 4 in his pic and my grandson is only 2.  They don't favor that much in these two, Ill try and find a better one later......Now, where was I? Oh yea, running late to get to Sacrament.........

I love this kid and it is amazing how just saying a prayer can make you feel so much better about life and what is going on at that moment.

my companion and myself

I realized I didn't have much gas :/ lol, Its ALWAYS something.  He really works hard!!!  We made it to Church and I have to tell u, this blows my mind!  My grandson NEVER sits still and during Sacrament he did so well!!  I was able to hear all the talks! I was beyond proud!!  He doesn't go to Church with me.  but, now that his mom is working weekends, I have him.  That's why I was sooo amazed at how well he did!!  

After Sacrament I took him to nursery.  For the simple fact that he doesn't go to daycare nor does he go Church, I thought I would stay with him for a while.  I mean, who wants to make Church a bad experience? I mean, MiMi throws me in this room with a few kids and a teacher and leaves me?  No, I want him to WANT to go to Church with me, I want him to WANT to see his new friends in nursery!!  He was playing, and once again.......he sat in a chair and listened to the teacher!!  I was shocked!!  It makes me wonder if that is the Spirit playing a part??  I wonder??  If anyone knows, or has an idea, let me know!!

Getting to church, notice the mismatched shoes?

see how well he was doing?

I was still in shock

he WAS doing GREAT

Notice the last caption??  WAS??!!  This is where I feel like the adversary started working overtime since I HAD made it to Church.  The Bishop comes to the nursery and ask all the parents to step out so he could speak to us, Yup, that's right......I was asked to leave the room for a min!!  AND HE LOST IT!!  I could hear him just screaming!!  And see? that's what I was trying to avoid.  I go back in the room and there he is, tears streaming down his face, snot and spit bubbles, just a mess!  And of course he didn't wanna leave me after that.  I decided to just take him to SS with me.  Give it a try? Right?  And guess what??  He sat in my lap, I was able to participate in discussion, once again......proud of him, UNTIL.....

"Pee?"  really? I looked down and asked him if he had to Pee and he replied with "Pee...." and then it happened.  Before I could get him up and to the bathroom he peed in my lap!!  He was wet, I was wet, and I had no clothes.  So, I guess I can give the adversary this point!  I just hope he realizes I am going to come back that much harder!!!

In Oct 1987, James E Faust did a talk called "The Great Imitator"  In this talk he said,

I think we will witness increasing evidence of Satan’s power as the kingdom of God grows stronger. I believe Satan’s ever-expanding efforts are some proof of the truthfulness of this work. In the future the opposition will be both more subtle and more open. It will be masked in greater sophistication and cunning, but it will also be more blatant. We will need greater spirituality to perceive all of the forms of evil and greater strength to resist it. But the disappointments and setbacks to the work of God will be temporary, for the work will go forward (see D&C 65:2).

I believe this with all my heart.  And I feel that since he knows I am aware that this is him, trying to keep me from doing what I am supposed to do, that he is throwing cheap shots! Things that physically are hindering me now!  

I guess my whole point of ALL this rambling is this.......

"Be aware.  Hold on to the Iron Rod.  Pray.  Go to Church.  Do FHE.  Pay your tithing.  Do all of the things you're commanded to do.  I know that it is hard! I really do! I go through these battles DAILY! I promise u!  I also know that sometimes we give in to the anger, or the anxiety.  We are only human and that is why we have forgiveness.  I  know our Heavenly Father loves us.  And he is  always with us. Even during the times we feel all alone,  I want u to know to keep your head up!!  Jeep pushing forward!!  NEVER give up! If you slip and fall.....get right back up.  Endure until the end.  And ALWAYS know that some of us are going through similar situations.  And that is why I do my blogs.  Someone, somewhere, may feel a little better knowing they aren't the only ones that have the adversary trying to knock them back.  If you fall into this category(which we all should) Just know I pray for you daily!  I know that we will be blessed for following his commandments.  And sometimes, you might need to be still for a min, and think of the situation.  Our Heavenly Father allows bad things to happen to us to help us gain our testimonies and sometimes to even teach us a lesson!!  Many people say "God will not put on you more then you can handle"  But, if your read in the bible where he speaks of this (I believe it is 1 Chor 10:13), he is talking about temptation.  I read a cool quote that I will close with.

It appears that God will give us more than we can handle so that we will give Him the handle to steer our lives! "

So, I pray this has helped someone, somehow.......or at least made u laugh about me getting peed on!!  I gotta get to sleep, Its 1am and I have to be up at 445!!  Night!

                                                        
Muahs! Stay Blessed!

 

#TerrificTuesday

Good Morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So, about a month ago, I did a review on Jamberry Nail wraps!!!!  If you wanna read my personal review, go here.  Anyhoooooo, I have been wanting to order me some since I've done this review and guess what!! Last night, after 2 days of searching for the ones I love, I FINALLY got me 3 ordered!!!  With Jamberry, as always......if you buy 3 you get the 4th free!!  So, I have 4 sheets coming to me!!  AND, my beautiful hostess also closed out the party with another free sheet if ordered before midnight last night!! yay!!  I LOVE freebies!!!  I don't know what that sheet will be but, I'll share what I ordered and why! lol

The first sheet I ordered is called reggae a go go

Don't judge!!  I LOVE Bob Marley and this totally shows that!!  I love the funkiness to these!!  Another selling point is the fact that all the designs are graphically different as well!!

To tone it down a bit, I next ordered these called faded deco

Faded Deco is the pretty one to the left!!  While making my decisions on which ones I wanted, I was trying to be practical as possible!!  I want the most out of the wraps I chose!!  This one is sooo pretty and springy as well! These will be totes cute as a full set or to even use a color combo like above!!  I can use these as accent nails with regular polish too!!

this next set is called love spell

I have been wanting these since before valentines day!  due to certain circumstances I wasn't able to order these until last night!!  But, you know what??  That's OK because I am pretty sure I can rock these anytime!!!  I love the fact, once again, that its not just one design!!  It has a few to be able to mix and match this manicure!!  I am soooooo excited about these!!

My last set I ordered are called shake ya tail feather

How stinking adorable!!!  My thoughts with these are def gonna be perfect accent nails!!!!  I don''t think I am gonna be able to do a full set with these(may seem a little much for my taste)  But.....something like this is perfect......

these will also be perfect for a spring pedicure!!!!

I know many people will think Jamberrys are kind of pricey, but, look at the breakdown........

I mean, come on ladies......when I'd go to the salon, I'd pay pretty close to 50.00 on a mani/pedi!!  Then if I got cool designs and or stones and stuff, the price continued to add up.  Then, I'd be back in 2 weeks to get a fill in and at best, that would be another 15.00 (just for the nail fill in!!  That's not counting if I got my toes redone)  I don't know about y'all, But, I am disabled and and on a fixed income and that money eventually became too much for me.. That's what got me into doing my own nails and nail art.  But, I am not a professional and most of the time.......Id only get one hand done.  With my bipolar, sometimes I didn't fill like waiting on polish to dry, or I just ran out of patience with it!!!  Once I tried jamberry's, it was over!!  Easy to apply, saves money, perfect matching designs every time, and best of all......NO DRY TIME!!!!

I am thinking of becoming a consultant as well.....so! If you are interested in trying these wraps, let me know!!!  Id like to see if anyone would get these before I commit to selling! So, comment!!!   Give me ur personal opinion!! Once u try them, I just know you will LOVE them!!!  And there are 300+ designs to choose from!!

I hope y'all have a great Tuesday!! stay blessed!!!

Muahs!!

wow, so glad things are better for me

happy Sunday y'all!! i was going through my old blog and i found this post from Sept 12, 2008
Have u ever......just sat around and wonder what the real purpose in life was? Ugh! I do all of the time and it drives me bananas. I wonder why I chose this life. I mean, other then my children, what am I here for. What am I to do? I am doing the best that I can to raise my children right. To give them the values to have a happy life. It bothers me though for I am not happy. How can I raise my children to be vibrant caring fun loving adults when it is hard for me to do the same? I want what is best for my children and yes, it may sound a little selfish when I speak about my happiness, how I want what is best for me. Was I put here to make a difference in the world? Am I to make some HUGE change in the world? Right now, day in and day out I do nothing but the same. Everyday. I awake every morning, get my son ready for school. We watch cartoons until about 10 mins b4 his bus, then I have to read him the school menu for the day. I put him on the bus with a hug and a kiss, then watch him ride away. that's when my BORING life really begins. I get a cup of coffee, check my email(which never has anything good), check my myspace and myyearbook. Most of the time there is nothing there so....yay me!! I then get up and do laundry and clean the house. same routine everyday. The only thing that changes is the fact that my friend candi may come by. That at least gives me someone to talk to. then I am here....kota gets home from school, we do homework, he plays while I watch some TV. Then I cook dinner, go for my run. When I get back I give kota his bath and tuck him in. And then about 1 hr later....I am also in the bed!!!!!!this is my life EVERYDAY!! I am on the prowl to find change. Something to get me out of this stupid rut that I call life!!!!!!!
With Thanksgiving around the corner i just want to say how thankful i am that I'm not in this dark place no more!
life has so much more meaning now.


•my kids are growing into happy vibrant adults


•i have friends i see on a regular basis


• yes, i do laundry and everyday household chores, but, i enjoy it


• I'm cherishing the time with my grandson


• going to church


• scripture study and prayer daily

i guess my point to this is:
no matter where you are in life, what your going through..... it does get better. this post was from 6 years ago and looking back, i never knew how dark i felt my life was. reading some of this older stuff is shocking to me. i can't believe that suicide was ever an option for me, but it was.
never give up! i know it's so hard, i have been there. but, please.... reach out, get help if needed, and talk!! there are people out there just like you and there are people who have been where you are. never be afraid to reach out and talk to someone.
NEVER GIVE UP!
MUAHS

and no matter what, smile!

down 75lbs up 25

Hey sweets 🍬! How are y'all today? Hope your staying warm!! I've really been thinking about this blog. I'm not a professional writer, I don't have a degree. All I have are life experiences. I've been really just thinking of different topics of things other people can possibly learn from me and/or be entertained. So, one of the many things I look up are weight loss tips and tricks.
But, hey!! I wanna learn from y'all too!
I was thin in middle school. But in 9th grade,I started to gain a lil weight..... Maybe just filling out?

Middle school 8th grade prom

Summer before 10th grade

So, I was always considered "big boned"
Once I got pregnant and 3 kids later...... I was pretty plump lol
In 2007 I started doing a ton of walking while I lived in Utah and started losing weight... Yay!

2007 at about my lowest weight since high school
175lbs

Once I moved back to Georgia IT HAPPENED
I was dx'ed with bipolar disorder. As anyone that has a mental illness knows, it's hard at the beginning while the Dr tries all the different med cocktails. The emotional rollercoaster, getting sick, hives, adverse reactions, weight gain, weight loss, sleeping all the time, not sleeping at all, ECT
It really takes a toll on your body. By the time they got my meds adjusted and together I was pretty much at my heaviest and still gaining weight

Me in 2011 at my heaviest
275lbs

Y'all, I was miserable!! I had NO energy
I wanted to sleep all the time
I was a walking zombie
Never left the house

So, can someone please explain to me how the meds were helping me other then sedating me!!?
In 2012 I did the unthinkable.

I do NOT condone this or say it's ok without talking to your Dr first

I stopped ALL meds! Cold turkey!! And it was not easy. But, after 6 months, as I started recognizing my triggers, and knowing how I react to things....i started managing it on my own. Yes, I'd have panic attacks, yes... There were sleepless nights... But, I coped with it and got through it, and still get through it.
Then, weight started falling off. I wasn't dieting, I wasn't exercising, just losing weight.
Within four months I was wearing an 11/12 from a 16/18. Went to the Dr and had lost 60lbs. The Dr did blood work and everything came back normal. He said he was glad of the weight loss(cause I was overweight) but not the way I was losing it. He said it was probably due to anxiety. He suggested me going back on my meds!! I wasn't hearing that!!

So, can you guess what I did?????

I took advantage of this opportunity to make a lifestyle change! I started getting more active and just watching my portions. And, it worked.... The weight kept coming off

So, I took it to a whole other level.
started walking to the gym Mon-Fri (4 miles)
I started running
I added weight training
And started trying to EAT CLEAN as much as possible

It was working great too! Until I broke my foot! Ever since then my motivation had just disappeared!! And it makes me so angry at myself because I've gained back 25lbs and can't get off my butt to get back at it when I know it can be done!!
All it takes is

•becoming more active
• portion control
• eat as clean as possible
• weight training
• time
•dedication
•motivation

Which I'm really lacking in the motivation part!!
Y'all have any tips?
Starting Friday I'm gonna do fitness Friday. I'll take my measurements and weight, and share tips, ups, downs, anything fitness related!! Maybe this will help keep me accountable!

Y'all should join me and we can do this together!!
Muahs

remember to lock your car doors

Yup, I reckon it's that time of year. With holidays quickly approaching, I want you to remember a few things.
•park in well lit parking lots.
• don't carry tons of cash
• and lord knows DO NOT leave your purse in your car/truck!!!!
Yea, I know.... Common sense, right?? It is until you and your daughter are running late and the baby needs baby wipes!
We stopped at our local grocery store a little after 5 yesterday. All we were grabbing was the wipes so, I grabbed the debit card and pushed my purse behind the seat and car seat. (we were in the ranger, so.... Wasn't like it was just sitting in a back seat... It was slightly hid.
Anyhow, 5 mins!! Ran in, grabbed wipes, checked out with no wait, got in the truck and made it to our destination.
Well, I reached back to grab my purse to stick the debit card in it and it was GONE!! I started freaking! Called my daughter to make sure she hadn't grabbed it. Pulled over searching 🔍 the truck, and it was really gone. At this point I'm freaking out!!
I really don't understand why or how people can steal from other people?? Luckily, they didn't get alot of money, but, they did get ALL my info. My birth certificate,I.d., kids info, and all my other cards. So, this morning I've got to go up to the store and view the tape and make a police report. I'm really paying they decided since it had nothing they could use that they just dumped it somewhere!!
Anyhow, I'm trying not to let this get me down, but, that is really hard. So, if you pray.... Maybe mention me??

My dinner date. Trying to forget about what happened for a moment.

Bargain finder!

Y'all know I'm all about finding deals and stuff!! Do you have a dollar general?? Well, for the next 2 days they have select apparel and socks for 50% off!! I found me some warm, cozy, fuzzy PJ's and warm, fuzzy socks!!

PJ's originally 8.00 got em for 4.00
Socks originally 3.00 and I got em for 1.50 for 2 pair
I'm glad I found these cause, I do believe winter is upon us here in Georgia 😒
Til later!
Muahs

my day got better........

Except being a lil manic 😒 that whole post I tried to do earlier really messed me up. I've prayed and I believe I will retry it at a later day. One reason that makes it really hard to talk about my childhood and my mom is because she passed away just a few years ago. But, I will share with y'all soon. Another reason it's so hard is because not many people know my whole story. When I post it, have LMN on stand by, kk?
Anyways, after I calmed down some... My son, daughter, grandson and myself enjoyed some outside time before it gets really cold!!

I really got to take him to get his hair cut this weekend!!
Meanwhile....karsyn was trying to escape

Then karsyn got to play with Maddie and we even helped him climb a tree lol

I just love my lil family to pieces. This is how I deal with most of my issues. Also, here it is after midnight and I just cleaned my whole house AGAIN!! (One plus side to being manic, the downside is I probably won't sleep 💤 and I gotta babysit tomorrow)
Also, I'm really loving cranberry sprite!!! My recent obsession

Is there anything yall are obsessing over right now?? I'd love ❤ to know!!
Muahs

my blog triggered me???

Wow, never thought my blog could be a trigger. This sucks, I'm really feeling it....100!!
I just tried to write a blog about my mom and my childhood. I can honestly say I HATE reliving my childhood 😒 anyhow, I wrote for about an hour and then my phone died! What? Really?? So, my day has been just bad so far. I've been easily annoyed by little things,I got manic as heck.... Lets just say, I cleaned my whole house top to bottom in less then an hr. I'm just now sitting down and trying to compose myself.
I promise I'll redo that blog about why I am the way I am soon. Just, not at this time, please bear with me.......
I don't take meds, so, I cope the best I can on my own....
And please don't judge me. I hate living like a zombie and when I was on my meds...i gained so much weight and it wasn't healthy.
So, until later
Muahs!

why blog?

Well, I keep journals. But, sometimes I feel like things I go through can maybe, somehow help others.
You see, I'm disabled. You probably wouldn't know it just by looking at me....

See?? Pretty normal looking, right? Ugh...i wish!! I have a long list of mental disabilities .
1. Bipolar
2. Social anxiety
3. Anxiety/panic attacks
4 post traumatic
5. Borderline personality disorder
So, yea.... That's a list. I know when I was first dx'ed, I felt so alone. And it was so hard to talk to people. The hardest thing in the world is when someone ask you "what's wrong"? Wanna know why?? Cause no matter how hard I tried, sometimes the things I were feeling were just....idk, hard to explain?? Like, you can't really put it into words. I feel like one must actually feel it to understand it... Yall know?
Anyhow, hopefully my blogs will help someone reading this, out help someone who has a loved one with any of these disabilities.
So, until next time!! Muahs!!

Remember to always smile!
Ps. Sorry about sideways pics, I'm learning this app