Life & Breakups

So, How have y'all been??!!  Its been such a long time!  huh?  Well, I have a ton of stuff going on in my life now and I figured why not blog???  Right!?

Anyhow, here is the reason why I feel the need to blog.....Ive always wrote blogs to help others who maybe going through things similar to me and hopefully it'll help someone else.  I always tend to write about my mental illness, my faith, and just life in general.  I am praying that this post will help me as well....you know, help clear my mind and maybe even get some insight from some others who maybe going through this as well.

So, 2 1/2 weeks ago, my son's father, my bf of the last 15 years has ended it with me......

Yea, that's exactly what I was thinking......This has been a really hard time for me.....If y'all have read my previous blogs, I am sure i have mentioned a list of mental issues I have, but if you don't know.....here is a list...

• bipolar disorder
• PTSD
• Borderline personality
• Adjustment disorder
• schezo
• social anxiety

So, you can only imagine how this has been going for me.

Week:1

 I was angry, sad, confused, scared, everything! Just a total wreck!!  I haven't had to work in like 8 years, to now.....I HAVE to work to get a place for my son and myself.  On top of that....its sooooo lonely! Especially if you have no friends and things because your focus has been on him for years!! And not on yourself. I constantly wanted to fight with him......just to have a conversation with him and stuff.  BUT, things are getting a little easier to deal with.

Week 2:

Getting easier.....I have finally just left him alone.  Which, when u still live under the same roof it is very hard!!  I finally told him I have no fight left in me.  I was soooo tired! Physically and mentally.  (the reason I am still in his house is because I have no where else to go and I just started working and its gonna take money to move) Anyhow.......I'm done. I am tired of questioning why I was not good enough.  Because, I am GOOD.  and if he didn't see that, well, his loss.  And I am FAR from perfect, I have done some messed up stuff in the past. I give you that.  And I own up to it.  BUT, I have been working hard on myself and my mental illnesses and I guess that just wasn't enough.

During this time I have really gone back to my faith.  I started back into Church.  And I am finally feeling more at peace with myself and this whole messed up situation.  I have been doing a ton of praying and I have come to this realization....

My daddy has always told me growing up that God will never put us through more then we can handle.  I am sure many of y'all have heard this same passage.  Forever I have always wondered if this is true.  I have been through soooo much in the past 39 years.  So much.  But, I have found comfort in my Heavenly Father.  Ive prayed and prayed and I just figure there is something soooo  much better out there for me. And no, I am not talking about a man, I am talking about continuing to better myself. My New Yrs Resolution was to become a better person, mentally, physically and spiritually.  I have lost 40lbs.  I am on a medicine cocktail now that honestly seems to help AND now.......I am drawing closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father.  I feel this is his way of making me better spiritually and that will lead to me being happier and healthier!

Sometimes the negativity and people that hold you back or bring you down need to be removed from our lives.  I know its hard and I know it isn't better over night, but, if you turn to our Heavenly Father....he will comfort you.  Have faith and trust in him that he has a better plan for you.  Start living life for yourself & God and no one else(unless u have kids)

If you are going through anything like this, just know.....

Have a blessed day!

NEW MEDS UGH

Happy Saturday yall!!  So, I have been pretty sick and I have been going to the dr alot lately.  I dont know if I have mentioned in previous posts, but, I was dx'ed with Bipolar disorder back in 08.  I havent been taking meds for it for a couple of years, just coping.  Learning my triggers.....eating right....exercising.  Doing good, Well, I have been having some really horriable headaches lately.  My dr got me to go have an MRI done and some lab work,  My MRI came back ok, I do have swollen arteries and veins though.

My blood work wasnt the best either.  My cholesterol was high and  my sugar was almost high enough to dx me as diabetic.  :( BUT, instead of putting me on Meds, I am trying to get back into eating right and exercising.  (except the fact that my knee has been popping out for a week now and hurts) So, makes it really hard to exercise.(cardio)  My dr suggested for me to go and see a neurologist.  I went and seen one on Weds.  He actually asked me why I wasnt taking anything for my bipolar disorder.  My reply was, I dont like taking meds....BUT.........

I dont like taking the meds cause I know for a few years I was being put on EVERYTHING!  NOTHING was working right for me.  I was on serequel and, gained 75lbs.... I was on sooooo much stuff and I HATED the way most of this stuff made me feel. I remember geodon, CRACK! I didnt sleep for a week on that crap.  Tegretal, I got this HORRIBLE rash.  I mean, do u blame me for just saying screw it?  Ya know???  Well, this dr said that I need to be taking something for it cause it can contribute to my headaches.

So, "here we go again!"  He perscribed me Lamictal 25mgs.  I started taking them yesterday morning.  I HATE it so far!!!  about an hr after I take it, My heart gets to beating in my throat.....I get jittery and and anxious.  EVERYTIME ive taken it.  I want to stop, i want to just throw it away!!  My daughter keeps telling me to give it at least a week.  And I know it takes these meds a little time to get into your system, and I am really trying to continue it.  Have any of u taken this??  What are ur experiances??? PLEASE give me a advice!!!!!!  Anyhow, I am going to go watch the Ga game.  I just dont understand all these meds and wanted to vent a little. I mean, whats the point in taking this stuff when u feel even more crazy on the meds? Make since?

Have a Blessed Saturday!

Beautiful Sabbath and me vs the adversary....

Good Morning my beautiful Internet friends! How are y'all doing??  I have been working on a couple of blogs and I will be publishing them soon!!  BUT right now I really wanna talk about the adversary and just how much he is working against me......AND how I am retaliating and fighting right back!!! (which, is  NOT easy!)

 I believe I have mentioned my goals recently......anyhow, I am due for my interview to get my patriarchal blessing this weds.......OH NO!!  I am gonna have to change! my son has a football game!! SEE???  that's the stuff I am talking about! Anyhoo,  I have been busting my behind to do what I am supposed to do so I know I am worthy of it!!  One of the main things is to attend Church like I am supposed to, and I have! Has it been easy??? Heck no! Not at all!!!  I am gonna give u an example of how the adversary is soooo working against me.

I went to the Dr on Tues of last week.  My health isn't the best right now(blog to come) and whenever I get into Church, and doing what I am supposed to do, It's like the adversary uses my bipolar and anxiety to work against me.  I have been stretched soooooo far in running errands and being responsible for having everyone to work, practice, Dr's, etc I just don't have time for myself!  My Dr told me to take 30 mins a day for me.  And that doesn't happen. 

I got up yesterday (Sunday) morning at 630am, and my anxiety kicked in  right off the bat!!!  I had to have my daughter to work at 830am which means that my grandson had to get up and get ready for Church with me since I watch him!  All I could think was, Church is the ONLY thing I have that's MINE!  That's the 3 hrs a week I get away and learn and draw closer to my Heavenly Father! (I mean, minus scripture study and daily prayer) But, you get what I am saying!? Right??? Well, I hate when the adversary gets in my head like that!!  And when I feel rushed, it kicks my anxiety through the roof!!  He was playing so hard against me that I even said, "screw it, I'm NOT going!"  BUT, I took a moment and prayed.  I prayed hard too.  I prayed for a calm to come over me, I prayed that Heavenly Father would strengthen me to continue to endure......  and it worked, I had a calm feeling come over me and I said I'm NOT gonna rush, So, I proceeded to get ready and get my grandson ready.   We were running late, but hey......we were getting there!! lol

he cleans up nicely!

OMGosh!! He really reminds me of my youngest when he was little!! Let me see if I can find a pic!! hold on........

This isn't the picture I wanted, I have one of My son in a tie too.  I believe my son was about 4 in his pic and my grandson is only 2.  They don't favor that much in these two, Ill try and find a better one later......Now, where was I? Oh yea, running late to get to Sacrament.........

I love this kid and it is amazing how just saying a prayer can make you feel so much better about life and what is going on at that moment.

my companion and myself

I realized I didn't have much gas :/ lol, Its ALWAYS something.  He really works hard!!!  We made it to Church and I have to tell u, this blows my mind!  My grandson NEVER sits still and during Sacrament he did so well!!  I was able to hear all the talks! I was beyond proud!!  He doesn't go to Church with me.  but, now that his mom is working weekends, I have him.  That's why I was sooo amazed at how well he did!!  

After Sacrament I took him to nursery.  For the simple fact that he doesn't go to daycare nor does he go Church, I thought I would stay with him for a while.  I mean, who wants to make Church a bad experience? I mean, MiMi throws me in this room with a few kids and a teacher and leaves me?  No, I want him to WANT to go to Church with me, I want him to WANT to see his new friends in nursery!!  He was playing, and once again.......he sat in a chair and listened to the teacher!!  I was shocked!!  It makes me wonder if that is the Spirit playing a part??  I wonder??  If anyone knows, or has an idea, let me know!!

Getting to church, notice the mismatched shoes?

see how well he was doing?

I was still in shock

he WAS doing GREAT

Notice the last caption??  WAS??!!  This is where I feel like the adversary started working overtime since I HAD made it to Church.  The Bishop comes to the nursery and ask all the parents to step out so he could speak to us, Yup, that's right......I was asked to leave the room for a min!!  AND HE LOST IT!!  I could hear him just screaming!!  And see? that's what I was trying to avoid.  I go back in the room and there he is, tears streaming down his face, snot and spit bubbles, just a mess!  And of course he didn't wanna leave me after that.  I decided to just take him to SS with me.  Give it a try? Right?  And guess what??  He sat in my lap, I was able to participate in discussion, once again......proud of him, UNTIL.....

"Pee?"  really? I looked down and asked him if he had to Pee and he replied with "Pee...." and then it happened.  Before I could get him up and to the bathroom he peed in my lap!!  He was wet, I was wet, and I had no clothes.  So, I guess I can give the adversary this point!  I just hope he realizes I am going to come back that much harder!!!

In Oct 1987, James E Faust did a talk called "The Great Imitator"  In this talk he said,

I think we will witness increasing evidence of Satan’s power as the kingdom of God grows stronger. I believe Satan’s ever-expanding efforts are some proof of the truthfulness of this work. In the future the opposition will be both more subtle and more open. It will be masked in greater sophistication and cunning, but it will also be more blatant. We will need greater spirituality to perceive all of the forms of evil and greater strength to resist it. But the disappointments and setbacks to the work of God will be temporary, for the work will go forward (see D&C 65:2).

I believe this with all my heart.  And I feel that since he knows I am aware that this is him, trying to keep me from doing what I am supposed to do, that he is throwing cheap shots! Things that physically are hindering me now!  

I guess my whole point of ALL this rambling is this.......

"Be aware.  Hold on to the Iron Rod.  Pray.  Go to Church.  Do FHE.  Pay your tithing.  Do all of the things you're commanded to do.  I know that it is hard! I really do! I go through these battles DAILY! I promise u!  I also know that sometimes we give in to the anger, or the anxiety.  We are only human and that is why we have forgiveness.  I  know our Heavenly Father loves us.  And he is  always with us. Even during the times we feel all alone,  I want u to know to keep your head up!!  Jeep pushing forward!!  NEVER give up! If you slip and fall.....get right back up.  Endure until the end.  And ALWAYS know that some of us are going through similar situations.  And that is why I do my blogs.  Someone, somewhere, may feel a little better knowing they aren't the only ones that have the adversary trying to knock them back.  If you fall into this category(which we all should) Just know I pray for you daily!  I know that we will be blessed for following his commandments.  And sometimes, you might need to be still for a min, and think of the situation.  Our Heavenly Father allows bad things to happen to us to help us gain our testimonies and sometimes to even teach us a lesson!!  Many people say "God will not put on you more then you can handle"  But, if your read in the bible where he speaks of this (I believe it is 1 Chor 10:13), he is talking about temptation.  I read a cool quote that I will close with.

It appears that God will give us more than we can handle so that we will give Him the handle to steer our lives! "

So, I pray this has helped someone, somehow.......or at least made u laugh about me getting peed on!!  I gotta get to sleep, Its 1am and I have to be up at 445!!  Night!

                                                        
Muahs! Stay Blessed!

 

Hey Yall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, have you missed me??  I hope so!!!!  lol Anyways, so much is going on right now.......I HAVE to write somewhere before I go even more insane then I already am!!!!!!

First off, I did my nails today!!!!  I am sooooooo ready for Spring!

Aren't they adorable????  I am just thankful I was actually able to take a min and get them done......I am not sure how I am feeling about these jamberrys yet.  I have a blog coming soon about that!! (promise)

Anyhow, now to write......

OK, as many of my readers know about me as of now is that I am Bipolar.  Yea, It sucks and yes, I am 37 years old and still learning how to cope with it and it is hard.  Always a battle. And I always hate it when it affects my relationships!!! especially with my daughter!!!! (or any of my family)

When your bipolar, a schedule is a MUST!!! At least for me it is????  I need some bipolar friends to talk to sometimes.....smh!  Anyhow, my daughter and my grandson moved in with my bf, son and myself back in November.  Am I thankful.....YES, is it hard on me??? HECK YES!!!  Anyhow, November to Feb I have been adjusting to having her here and also adjusting to a toddler running around and always into something.  I have had to adjust to more laundry, but that's OK too. I am thankful we have clothes too wash.....lol  I have had to adjust to toys everywhere, but that's OK because at least he has toys.  Y'all get what I am saying, right??  I mean, Yes......all of it is an adjustment and yes it is harder on me, but I manage to get through it.

*disclaimer* y'all, I started this blog a couple of weeks ago!!!! And I am just now back on the draft!!  Another downfall to being bipolar.  I don't have the attention span I need to finish things!!!!

Anyhow, as I was saying, things are just 100x's worse on me then it is on someone without being bipolar!!!  And the hardest thing to do is to explain to someone who is aka "normal".  norms just don't get it!!!!  I have found that writing to y'all does help, I just have to finish what I start!!!

Guess what......so they changed my daughters schedule!! Found this out this week.  Her new schedule consist of me keeping my grandson from about 2 pm until 10 am the following morning!!!  So, more adjusting!!! BUT!!  My daughter and I are doing better, I just hate when I get moody and she don't understand and she gets attitude back and all......just causes more stress but, I am trying to be patient and continue to pray and get through all this!!!!  I am thankful that my daughter was blessed with this job since she is mom & dad for my grandson and I promise I am gonna continue to help her achieve her dreams......even if it is hell on me!!  Isn't that what moms do???  I mean, my mom wasn't there for me, other things had her attention(RIP).  I always said that is something I will always be for my kids.....there for them!!!!  That's only what is right!!! right???

Thanks for letting me vent!!!! I know it is all over the place(thanks to being manic) but it does help me cope and get through things!!!!

I hope all of you are doing good and as always #stayblessed

MUAHS!

Nightmares!!!!

So, I haven't been sleeping well lately.  My schedule is all outta whack with my daughter's job and all!!  I am up at 5 am every morning,  Going, as soon as my feet hit the floor!!  Now, I don't mind this at all, really!!  I am NOT a lazy person at all.  But, once I get sleep deprived........its over for me!!  Anyhow, like I was saying, up at 5 am and not in bed until about 1:30 am every night!!  that's only about 3 1/2 hrs sleep every night!!  That isn't good for me......at all!!!  And now I know it!!!

I wasn't able to go to sleep until about 2 am this morning and I had a nightmare and I was woken up about 3 am!!  Y'all, I was TERRIFIED!  I swear I was dead!!!  By the time I was able to calm myself down and was feeling tired it was 4 am, really!!??  What kind of fool would I be to go to sleep when my alarm was about to go off???  All it would do is pi** me off!!  So, I couldn't cut the TV on,  I didn't wanna wake anyone.  I finally ended up getting my phone and laptop and going into the living room.

Today is gonna be hard! I got a whole hours of sleep and I gotta drive my bf to work in about 15 mins.....then I gotta come home and wake the kid up for school.  Once he is gone my daughter will get up and get ready for work and I will have my grandson until about 11 tonight.  I am more then likely gonna be on edge and pretty cranky.  I don't like these types of days because not only is it hell for me, but for anyone that comes around me today!!

So, I guess I'll do my morning prayers and just pray that Heavenly Father gives me the strength and patience I need to get through this day!!!!!!!!!!

On another note....... HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!!!!

Don't forget to wear GREEN so u don't get pinched!!!! And as always, #StayBlessed

MUAHS!

overwhelmed

Hey you guys!!  I am so sorry I haven't posted in a min, but......with all of my mental issues I have been really overwhelmed.  Like, Its not a bad reason I am overwhelmed, just a major change in my family's schedule.

My daughter found her a job! Yay!! She moved back in with us back around Thanksgiving, which has been an adjustment for me in itself.  I am not used to having a toddler running around!  lol  and now that my daughter is working, I have him from 2-10....so, I haven't had time to write!!  And it sucks cause I have so many cute pictures to share and a few other things!!  I usually do it before bed....which, lately......I'm lucky I get covered up before I am out!!

Starting tomorrow, I am gonna squeeze a blog in the morning!!  I am "lucky" enough to get about 2 hrs in the morning to myself.  I have from 5-6:15 completely alone!!  I always try and use this time to do scripture study and prayer. I ALWAYS pray!!!! BUT, I have been trying to become more consistent with my scripture study!!  I then have 6:15-7:20 with my son up getting ready for school, so, I am gonna start squeezing my writing time in there!!

I just hope you guys stay patient with me while I try and adjust to all this new stuff going on!!  I know with my bipolar, a schedule is sooo important!!  I have noticed over the years that when I am not on a schedule I tend to get totally overwhelmed which usually triggers insomnia(worse then I already have) and a manic state for me!!  I will have a new schedule hopefully within the next week or so. So, if you pray, please remember me as I try and adjust to all of this new stuff!!

COMING SOON!!!!

my grandson is growing up

modeling his new clothes 

early morning cuddles

party over hhheeerrrrreeeeeee

dressing himself

isn't he the cutest??!!

Muahs & Stay Blessed

A few cheap finds

Good Morning!!!! How are y'all this morning??  I am pretty good.  Just listening to music this morning.  Sometimes with my bipolar and stuff, I get into these moods were I don't wanna be messed with.  Withdraw from others sometimes.  I am not in the completely isolated mood as of right now, but, no kids are up and its quiet.  Sitting at the table, listening, reading, writing, always a good therapy!!

First off......CUTENESS OVERLOAD!

Anyhow, I got a couple of things this past week that I thought were total steals and I was gonna share with y'all!

First thing I got at Walmart.  Let me first say this about Walmart......my personal opinion!!  OK??  I remember when I used to get picked on growing up if I wore anything Walmart, but you know what??!!  Walmart is ridiculously priced! I mean, their no name shoes are almost as much as a pair of Nike's at the mall!!  Same goes with their clothes nowadays.  I'd much rather spend a little more for something that is made to last a little longer then Walmart things!

BUT, If you're into statement pieces for your outfit.......Walmart carries them for like 10 bucks!!  Some of these pieces are super adorable!!  I found this piece on clearance for only 3.00!! Which, is a STEAL!!!!!  Look how adorable this is!

So cute!!!!  Right!??  They had others too but, this one matched my outfit perfectly for date night!!  

The next thing I found were these adorable sunglasses!!  OK, who watches "party down south"?  I admit it!!! I do!! Of course I'm not feeling the cast of the 2nd one as much as the originals. BUT there is a cast member named raven, aka Barbie and she always has on these adorbs sunglasses!!!!

 



I swear she has these in every color!!!  And I am not gonna lie, I used to not like her at all.....shhhhhhhh!!  But, she has grown to be one of my faves!!!! lol ANYHOOO

How stinking cute!!! And they were only $2.00!!! SCORE! winner winner chicken dinner!!!!!!

yes, I am in my pj's, no.....it doesn't matter cause it doesn't concern u!!! ha-ha!!! really cute glasses for only 2 bucks though!!  

So, I just wanted to share that with y'all!! I'm frfr about checking out those statement pieces from Walmart!!  They are totally worth the money!!  And the glasses, sorry y'all, they came from a local place here in my town!!

Let me get back to my music and start checking my beautiful social media! lol

Love y'all!! Until next time!!! BBBBYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Ps, enjoy your #SundayFunday

Muahs!

#Manicmonday

Today is #manicmonday!! Hey y'all! How was your weekend? Mine was alright. My birthday went ok. Was with my kids and a couple of friends came by.  I also returned my laptop.😞 no, i didn't want to, but, it was the right decision. That was just a bunch of money spent on something i just don't have to have at the moment. I pray I'll be able to get it back soon, but, right now just wasn't the right time. That's just one of them things us mom's just have to do sometimes.  Ya know? And you know what, i am very proud of myself for being able to do that. With my bipolar, i used to not think of things and what will happen in the long run. I believe i have become so much better being responsible financially!!!! That was always the bad thing off being manic! Not being able to control my spending habits!! I am so thankful I'm getting stronger and able to control that more.

My son came up on weds and yesterday i had to drive him back home to Columbus!! This really is sad to me. I barely get to see him because of his football. I have to really appreciate the time i do get with him! I love my son and I'm beyond proud of him. He got to go to Atlanta this past week for the rising seniors bowl. He was the one player from his high school that was chosen. He told me it was a cool thing. They got to play football, had workshops on life after football and things to think about for collage and they painted pictures for the hospital!!

My baby is grown

Play ball

Learning

Working hard

As i was saying earlier, my bday was ok. I did get too spend it with the ones i love, and that's fine by me. We had spaghetti for dinner(my fave) and just chilled at the house. My 17 year old son used to always be rocked as a baby, so, i attempted to rock his big ole butt,  yea. That didn't work! Then ALL of my kids decided to see if i could hold em all!

Rocking my baby

Ion know why she grabbed his boobs lol

Ooommmmmmmmmmm

Then my friends shae and allyssa came by. I don't drink, but they do, and it was so funny watching my friend shae take like 30 mins to take a shot! Lol then we went and grabbed milkshakes right before midnight!

Then on Sunday, me and my lil squad loaded up to head to Columbus to take my son home. I hope i get too see him soon! 

So, what all did you do this weekend??

Muahs

Melissa aka maduke