Life & Breakups

So, How have y'all been??!!  Its been such a long time!  huh?  Well, I have a ton of stuff going on in my life now and I figured why not blog???  Right!?

Anyhow, here is the reason why I feel the need to blog.....Ive always wrote blogs to help others who maybe going through things similar to me and hopefully it'll help someone else.  I always tend to write about my mental illness, my faith, and just life in general.  I am praying that this post will help me as well....you know, help clear my mind and maybe even get some insight from some others who maybe going through this as well.

So, 2 1/2 weeks ago, my son's father, my bf of the last 15 years has ended it with me......

Yea, that's exactly what I was thinking......This has been a really hard time for me.....If y'all have read my previous blogs, I am sure i have mentioned a list of mental issues I have, but if you don't know.....here is a list...

• bipolar disorder
• PTSD
• Borderline personality
• Adjustment disorder
• schezo
• social anxiety

So, you can only imagine how this has been going for me.

Week:1

 I was angry, sad, confused, scared, everything! Just a total wreck!!  I haven't had to work in like 8 years, to now.....I HAVE to work to get a place for my son and myself.  On top of that....its sooooo lonely! Especially if you have no friends and things because your focus has been on him for years!! And not on yourself. I constantly wanted to fight with him......just to have a conversation with him and stuff.  BUT, things are getting a little easier to deal with.

Week 2:

Getting easier.....I have finally just left him alone.  Which, when u still live under the same roof it is very hard!!  I finally told him I have no fight left in me.  I was soooo tired! Physically and mentally.  (the reason I am still in his house is because I have no where else to go and I just started working and its gonna take money to move) Anyhow.......I'm done. I am tired of questioning why I was not good enough.  Because, I am GOOD.  and if he didn't see that, well, his loss.  And I am FAR from perfect, I have done some messed up stuff in the past. I give you that.  And I own up to it.  BUT, I have been working hard on myself and my mental illnesses and I guess that just wasn't enough.

During this time I have really gone back to my faith.  I started back into Church.  And I am finally feeling more at peace with myself and this whole messed up situation.  I have been doing a ton of praying and I have come to this realization....

My daddy has always told me growing up that God will never put us through more then we can handle.  I am sure many of y'all have heard this same passage.  Forever I have always wondered if this is true.  I have been through soooo much in the past 39 years.  So much.  But, I have found comfort in my Heavenly Father.  Ive prayed and prayed and I just figure there is something soooo  much better out there for me. And no, I am not talking about a man, I am talking about continuing to better myself. My New Yrs Resolution was to become a better person, mentally, physically and spiritually.  I have lost 40lbs.  I am on a medicine cocktail now that honestly seems to help AND now.......I am drawing closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father.  I feel this is his way of making me better spiritually and that will lead to me being happier and healthier!

Sometimes the negativity and people that hold you back or bring you down need to be removed from our lives.  I know its hard and I know it isn't better over night, but, if you turn to our Heavenly Father....he will comfort you.  Have faith and trust in him that he has a better plan for you.  Start living life for yourself & God and no one else(unless u have kids)

If you are going through anything like this, just know.....

Have a blessed day!

Beautiful Sabbath and me vs the adversary....

Good Morning my beautiful Internet friends! How are y'all doing??  I have been working on a couple of blogs and I will be publishing them soon!!  BUT right now I really wanna talk about the adversary and just how much he is working against me......AND how I am retaliating and fighting right back!!! (which, is  NOT easy!)

 I believe I have mentioned my goals recently......anyhow, I am due for my interview to get my patriarchal blessing this weds.......OH NO!!  I am gonna have to change! my son has a football game!! SEE???  that's the stuff I am talking about! Anyhoo,  I have been busting my behind to do what I am supposed to do so I know I am worthy of it!!  One of the main things is to attend Church like I am supposed to, and I have! Has it been easy??? Heck no! Not at all!!!  I am gonna give u an example of how the adversary is soooo working against me.

I went to the Dr on Tues of last week.  My health isn't the best right now(blog to come) and whenever I get into Church, and doing what I am supposed to do, It's like the adversary uses my bipolar and anxiety to work against me.  I have been stretched soooooo far in running errands and being responsible for having everyone to work, practice, Dr's, etc I just don't have time for myself!  My Dr told me to take 30 mins a day for me.  And that doesn't happen. 

I got up yesterday (Sunday) morning at 630am, and my anxiety kicked in  right off the bat!!!  I had to have my daughter to work at 830am which means that my grandson had to get up and get ready for Church with me since I watch him!  All I could think was, Church is the ONLY thing I have that's MINE!  That's the 3 hrs a week I get away and learn and draw closer to my Heavenly Father! (I mean, minus scripture study and daily prayer) But, you get what I am saying!? Right??? Well, I hate when the adversary gets in my head like that!!  And when I feel rushed, it kicks my anxiety through the roof!!  He was playing so hard against me that I even said, "screw it, I'm NOT going!"  BUT, I took a moment and prayed.  I prayed hard too.  I prayed for a calm to come over me, I prayed that Heavenly Father would strengthen me to continue to endure......  and it worked, I had a calm feeling come over me and I said I'm NOT gonna rush, So, I proceeded to get ready and get my grandson ready.   We were running late, but hey......we were getting there!! lol

he cleans up nicely!

OMGosh!! He really reminds me of my youngest when he was little!! Let me see if I can find a pic!! hold on........

This isn't the picture I wanted, I have one of My son in a tie too.  I believe my son was about 4 in his pic and my grandson is only 2.  They don't favor that much in these two, Ill try and find a better one later......Now, where was I? Oh yea, running late to get to Sacrament.........

I love this kid and it is amazing how just saying a prayer can make you feel so much better about life and what is going on at that moment.

my companion and myself

I realized I didn't have much gas :/ lol, Its ALWAYS something.  He really works hard!!!  We made it to Church and I have to tell u, this blows my mind!  My grandson NEVER sits still and during Sacrament he did so well!!  I was able to hear all the talks! I was beyond proud!!  He doesn't go to Church with me.  but, now that his mom is working weekends, I have him.  That's why I was sooo amazed at how well he did!!  

After Sacrament I took him to nursery.  For the simple fact that he doesn't go to daycare nor does he go Church, I thought I would stay with him for a while.  I mean, who wants to make Church a bad experience? I mean, MiMi throws me in this room with a few kids and a teacher and leaves me?  No, I want him to WANT to go to Church with me, I want him to WANT to see his new friends in nursery!!  He was playing, and once again.......he sat in a chair and listened to the teacher!!  I was shocked!!  It makes me wonder if that is the Spirit playing a part??  I wonder??  If anyone knows, or has an idea, let me know!!

Getting to church, notice the mismatched shoes?

see how well he was doing?

I was still in shock

he WAS doing GREAT

Notice the last caption??  WAS??!!  This is where I feel like the adversary started working overtime since I HAD made it to Church.  The Bishop comes to the nursery and ask all the parents to step out so he could speak to us, Yup, that's right......I was asked to leave the room for a min!!  AND HE LOST IT!!  I could hear him just screaming!!  And see? that's what I was trying to avoid.  I go back in the room and there he is, tears streaming down his face, snot and spit bubbles, just a mess!  And of course he didn't wanna leave me after that.  I decided to just take him to SS with me.  Give it a try? Right?  And guess what??  He sat in my lap, I was able to participate in discussion, once again......proud of him, UNTIL.....

"Pee?"  really? I looked down and asked him if he had to Pee and he replied with "Pee...." and then it happened.  Before I could get him up and to the bathroom he peed in my lap!!  He was wet, I was wet, and I had no clothes.  So, I guess I can give the adversary this point!  I just hope he realizes I am going to come back that much harder!!!

In Oct 1987, James E Faust did a talk called "The Great Imitator"  In this talk he said,

I think we will witness increasing evidence of Satan’s power as the kingdom of God grows stronger. I believe Satan’s ever-expanding efforts are some proof of the truthfulness of this work. In the future the opposition will be both more subtle and more open. It will be masked in greater sophistication and cunning, but it will also be more blatant. We will need greater spirituality to perceive all of the forms of evil and greater strength to resist it. But the disappointments and setbacks to the work of God will be temporary, for the work will go forward (see D&C 65:2).

I believe this with all my heart.  And I feel that since he knows I am aware that this is him, trying to keep me from doing what I am supposed to do, that he is throwing cheap shots! Things that physically are hindering me now!  

I guess my whole point of ALL this rambling is this.......

"Be aware.  Hold on to the Iron Rod.  Pray.  Go to Church.  Do FHE.  Pay your tithing.  Do all of the things you're commanded to do.  I know that it is hard! I really do! I go through these battles DAILY! I promise u!  I also know that sometimes we give in to the anger, or the anxiety.  We are only human and that is why we have forgiveness.  I  know our Heavenly Father loves us.  And he is  always with us. Even during the times we feel all alone,  I want u to know to keep your head up!!  Jeep pushing forward!!  NEVER give up! If you slip and fall.....get right back up.  Endure until the end.  And ALWAYS know that some of us are going through similar situations.  And that is why I do my blogs.  Someone, somewhere, may feel a little better knowing they aren't the only ones that have the adversary trying to knock them back.  If you fall into this category(which we all should) Just know I pray for you daily!  I know that we will be blessed for following his commandments.  And sometimes, you might need to be still for a min, and think of the situation.  Our Heavenly Father allows bad things to happen to us to help us gain our testimonies and sometimes to even teach us a lesson!!  Many people say "God will not put on you more then you can handle"  But, if your read in the bible where he speaks of this (I believe it is 1 Chor 10:13), he is talking about temptation.  I read a cool quote that I will close with.

It appears that God will give us more than we can handle so that we will give Him the handle to steer our lives! "

So, I pray this has helped someone, somehow.......or at least made u laugh about me getting peed on!!  I gotta get to sleep, Its 1am and I have to be up at 445!!  Night!

                                                        
Muahs! Stay Blessed!

 

feeling some type of way.........(religion)

Howdy!!!!  This blog is just my opinions and how I feel.  Please, no bashing, but please share thoughts in appropriate ways.  Like adults please!!  I wouldn't bash any of y'all and I really hope to get the same respect.  But, I need some help.........

I am Mormon, or LDS......and something happened the other day that just has really hurt my heart and has really made me feel some type of way!!!!  I really need some advice......I need to know if it's normal to feel how I am feeling or is it just my mental illness causing me to just over analyze this issue.

You see..... I LOVE my faith, I love everything about it! But sometimes I don't get the people of the Church.  I am a convert to the Church(2007) and I do most of my studying on my own.  I feel like if I learn about it on my own and pray about it, I am closer to my Heavenly Father and I tend to comprehend things better.  So, that's just how I do things.....that's how I roll...lol  I do LOVE going to Sacrament and to my classes as well, but sometimes it just feels awkward.  I am NOT perfect, and I know this!!  I also know that not everyone in our Church is as perfect as they front either, or can u say "fake" in today's terminology.

In my situation.......I know I probably will never go to the Temple, and sometimes at Church I really feel like people always judge me.  And that sucks!! Its very hard to attend Church after your heart gets hurt by the ones you trust within the Church.  A couple of years ago some things went down and I'm not going into all that in this blog(maybe at a later time), But, I became inactive.  Once you become inactive...it really is hard to get back into going....u know??  Its a BIG step to do it!!  Well, I missed Church, honest!!! So, back before I started my blog I began going back.  I was doing good too!!  I was participating in activities not just on Sunday.  And I really feel so good in my heart when I am in Church and I also know I shouldn't NOT go because of others but with my mental illness it just seems harder on me.  I do suffer from bipolar, social anxiety, adjustment disorder along with anxiety and many other things.  I did really good for about a month until my daughter moved in with my grandson and I had to adjust to all of the changes I was dealing with, so, guess what.....I withdrew from things. (that's just how I cope)  Church was one of them.

Before all of this happened I was taking a financial class(which I LOVED and my teacher as well).  And I specifically asked who my Home visiting teacher was because I have NEVER had one come or contact me the whole time I have been in my ward!!!!!!!! which is about 6 years now.  I know who my VT is, and I love her with all my heart, but, after the last time she came by(about 4 months ago) I haven't heard from her.  No phone call.....no email......no Facebook message......nothing???  And usually the missionaries come by and see how inactive members are and try to get them back into Church, yea.....its been a while on that too. 

 But last week I got a phone call.  Yes, it was someone from the Church, but they were calling to make sure I knew it was my Saturday to come in and clean the building.  I didn't have a ride and I'll be darned if someone (who I don't know) called me to let me know they would pick me up and everything!!!!!  And I really was going to do it but my carpel tunnel is really bad right now and I am in a splint until I can line up my surgery with an orthopedic.

OK, here is my thing.....and I really could use some feedback PLEASE.......Am I normal for feeling some type of way???  Is it normal that it breaks my heart that I "thought" I had real friends that cared about me????  If the Church really cared, why haven't they reached out to me other then to let me know its my turn to do something for them???? Am I wrong????  Is it just the adversary???  or my mental illness???

To those of you who are members, can you do me a favor???  Reach out to your converts!!  It is really hard to live this lifestyle without a support system!!!  If you have inactive members, call them!! send them a text!!! See how they are doing!!!!!  And people!!!! If you have a calling, such as VT or a Home teacher, do your callings!!! Aren't y'all supposed to be NOT making members feel like me??  How does the Church expect to get members and keep members if they act like they care in Church but outside of Church its like you don't even exist!!  That's really a good way to push people away from the Church!!! I promise ya!!!!!  I talk about going to Church every week!!!  And I still don't go because I feel like I am not even wanted there in the first place!

I am not trying to put my Church down, 

I am not trying to disrespect the Church.

I love my religion and all it stands for

It has made me a better person even if I am not perfect and I know my Heavenly Father still loves me no matter what!

I just wish some of these "members" would take a step back and look at themselves before judging others!!! As members of the Church we should be building each other up, not breaking each other down!!!!

I am sorry for the rant but It is really on my heart to seek advice and figure out what I need to do.  If your reading this, I am grateful for any help or suggestions.  I've been praying and my heart has really been hurting over this and I don't know what to do. Thanks in advance for any advice!!  And if you dont wanna comment......send me a quick little message there on the right side!!

Muahs & #stayblesse

Hey Yall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, have you missed me??  I hope so!!!!  lol Anyways, so much is going on right now.......I HAVE to write somewhere before I go even more insane then I already am!!!!!!

First off, I did my nails today!!!!  I am sooooooo ready for Spring!

Aren't they adorable????  I am just thankful I was actually able to take a min and get them done......I am not sure how I am feeling about these jamberrys yet.  I have a blog coming soon about that!! (promise)

Anyhow, now to write......

OK, as many of my readers know about me as of now is that I am Bipolar.  Yea, It sucks and yes, I am 37 years old and still learning how to cope with it and it is hard.  Always a battle. And I always hate it when it affects my relationships!!! especially with my daughter!!!! (or any of my family)

When your bipolar, a schedule is a MUST!!! At least for me it is????  I need some bipolar friends to talk to sometimes.....smh!  Anyhow, my daughter and my grandson moved in with my bf, son and myself back in November.  Am I thankful.....YES, is it hard on me??? HECK YES!!!  Anyhow, November to Feb I have been adjusting to having her here and also adjusting to a toddler running around and always into something.  I have had to adjust to more laundry, but that's OK too. I am thankful we have clothes too wash.....lol  I have had to adjust to toys everywhere, but that's OK because at least he has toys.  Y'all get what I am saying, right??  I mean, Yes......all of it is an adjustment and yes it is harder on me, but I manage to get through it.

*disclaimer* y'all, I started this blog a couple of weeks ago!!!! And I am just now back on the draft!!  Another downfall to being bipolar.  I don't have the attention span I need to finish things!!!!

Anyhow, as I was saying, things are just 100x's worse on me then it is on someone without being bipolar!!!  And the hardest thing to do is to explain to someone who is aka "normal".  norms just don't get it!!!!  I have found that writing to y'all does help, I just have to finish what I start!!!

Guess what......so they changed my daughters schedule!! Found this out this week.  Her new schedule consist of me keeping my grandson from about 2 pm until 10 am the following morning!!!  So, more adjusting!!! BUT!!  My daughter and I are doing better, I just hate when I get moody and she don't understand and she gets attitude back and all......just causes more stress but, I am trying to be patient and continue to pray and get through all this!!!!  I am thankful that my daughter was blessed with this job since she is mom & dad for my grandson and I promise I am gonna continue to help her achieve her dreams......even if it is hell on me!!  Isn't that what moms do???  I mean, my mom wasn't there for me, other things had her attention(RIP).  I always said that is something I will always be for my kids.....there for them!!!!  That's only what is right!!! right???

Thanks for letting me vent!!!! I know it is all over the place(thanks to being manic) but it does help me cope and get through things!!!!

I hope all of you are doing good and as always #stayblessed

MUAHS!

Fitness Friday!!!!!

Good morning y'all!! It's FITNESS FRIDAY!!!! That's right.....and it seems be my most popular posts since if been doing my blog!! So, are you ready?? Let's get started😝

Today i want to talk a little about fitness and mental health...cool???

Y'all know those never ending cycles that come with life??

Ex: you need a job....but,don't have a vehicle to get back and forth to work; can't get a vehicle cause you need a job to pay for it

Well, you need too exercise to feel better....but whatever illness your dealing with has already  brought you down so, it's hard to motivate yourself. Its a back and forth battle. And yes, i struggle with this too! So, i can really relate.

Exercise releases endorphins, which create feelings of happiness and euphoria. Studies have shown that exercise can even alleviate symptoms among the clinically depressed . For this reason, docs recommend that people suffering from depression or anxiety (or those who are just feeling blue) pencil in plenty of gym time. In some cases, exercise can be just as effective as antidepressant pills in treating depression....
But, when your depressed or other mental illnesses.....it's really a challenge just to make yourself get out and exercise!!

 One of the most common mental benefits of exercise is stress relief. Working up a sweat can help manage physical and mental stress. Exercise also increases concentrations of norepinephrine, a chemical that can moderate the brain’s response to stress

For some, a moderate workout can be the equivalent of a sleeping pill, even for people with insomnia . Moving around five to six hours before bedtime raises the body’s core temperature. When the body temp drops back to normal a few hours later, it signals the body that it’s time to sleep 

This is good to know. I mean.....anyone else out there like me?? When you go to bed and your so tired....then your brain just doesn't shut up!!?? It's one of the most annoying....frustrating things ever. I hate laying in bed watching the clock!  They make for the longest nights of your life!!

Y'all know I've mentioned that i don't take medication for my bipolar disorder(and a few other mental things....yes, i know! I'm legit crazy lol) and when i was going to the gym every day....i felt so much better!!
·I was excited to workout
·I had so much more energy
·I was sleeping at night
·I was managing my anxiety better
·My mood swings decreased

But once i broke my foot last year and wasn't able to workout, my mental health started to decline again. And this week has been especially hard on me.

I know it's hard to get motivated when your down. Or, when you didn't sleep the night before due to the racing thoughts.....but, if you JUST DO IT, and give it at least a week....i promise ya....you will feel better! And you will benefit from it....both physically and mentally!!
You don't have to go to the gym every day....or be Shaun T over night....just try simple ways to start moving...like:
· take a 30 min walk in the evening
·or stand at work instead of sitting
·Park further away at the grocery store
·Take the stairs instead of the elevator
·Fix your yard up
You can do this, and please remember that your not alone.

Update on my weight loss journey:
This week I'm still struggling a little with my eating habits. But, when i eat....it's hasn't been junk. So, I'm proud of that. Now it's time to go for a nice walk and so should you!😉

Muahs!

Melissa aka maduke

adjustment disorder

So....yesterday was not the best day for me. I swear i experienced every emotion!

Along with my bipolar disorder(and many other mental illness i have) another thing i struggle with is adjustment disorder. This really sucks.

An adjustment disorder (AD) occurs when an individual is unable to adjust to or cope with a particular stressor, like a major life event. Since people with this disorder normally have symptoms that depressed people do, such as general loss of interest, feelings of hopelessness and crying, this disorder is sometimes known as situational depression. Unlike major depression the disorder is caused by an outside stressor and generally resolves once the individual is able to adapt to the situation.

Some emotional signs of adjustment disorder are

·Sadness
·Hopelessness
·Lack of enjoyment
·Crying spells
·Nervousness
·Anxiety
·Worry
·Desperation
·Trouble sleeping
·Difficulty concentrating
·Feeling overwhelmed
·thoughts of suicide

Some behavioral signs of AD are

·Fighting
·Reckless driving
·Ignoring important tasks such as bills or homework
·Seeking approval from others by any way possible (cheating/lying/escaping reality)
·Avoiding family or friends
·Performing poorly in school/wk
·Skipping school/wk
·Vandalizing property

When my Dr explained this sickness too me, she said that my body adapts to change, but....it is harder and takes longer for my brain too adjust to change.....which brings me too my day yesterday.

Y'all know my daughter and her son came to visit last month. Well, due too some circumstances....we have decided that her and Karsyn would be moving back in with us. Yay!! Yes.....I'm super excited! I'll get to be with my daughter and grandson all the time!! Anyhow, this move is a great thing! I know this is what my daughter needs so she can start building a life with her son.

The thing i hate most about AD it's how it effects others around you. We live in a small 2 bedroom house with 3 people and 2 dogs(plus a foster/stray) and now I'm having to accommodate for another adult and a toddler. I really don't mind it!! Really!!

Anyhow, yesterday i was cleaning out my son's room, making room to add my daughter's bed and stuff,and it was totally overwhelming!! I swear i cried, screamed, yelled, threw stuff.....bad day all together😣 the worse thing about it is.....i can't control all these emotions and it completely drains me when i have one of those days. On top of that, my daughter made a few comments like she felt like she was taking her brothers room from him(not true....her brother totally understands)  and also she said she felt as though she is imposing.(also not true, d and myself really enjoy having them here)

It really hurts my heart to know my daughter feels like this and i know it's because of my actions😞 but, these are things i can't control.

I feel like I'm really just writing this blog for those of you who have loved ones suffering from this. I'm trying to show you that when things like this happen, it's not us being mad at anyone....it's not us not liking the situation.....it's just us,  and how we cope with change and adjust.  So please, never....NEVER take anything you hear or see to heart....please. it's so hard to have someone who completely understand us and our disorder. D has been with me for 12 years and i still don't even think he truly understands my disabilities or completely gets it. I pray this blog helps my loved ones(and others dealing with this) understand mine(or anyone else's) behavior just a little better.

If you wanna read more about adjustment disorder go here. I really do believe the first step to helping someone is learning and understanding things about their disability.

And with me, when i get this way....it's so frustrating to not be able to control all these emotions, which makes me frustrated and heightens my anxiety. Who else had AD?? What helps y'all cope with change?

And to my daughter who might read this.....i love you! I'm very glad your here....I'm thankful for you....you have always supported me and have always helped me when it comes to my disabilities. Thank you for being understanding most of the time😝 lol

Muahs!

wow, so glad things are better for me

happy Sunday y'all!! i was going through my old blog and i found this post from Sept 12, 2008
Have u ever......just sat around and wonder what the real purpose in life was? Ugh! I do all of the time and it drives me bananas. I wonder why I chose this life. I mean, other then my children, what am I here for. What am I to do? I am doing the best that I can to raise my children right. To give them the values to have a happy life. It bothers me though for I am not happy. How can I raise my children to be vibrant caring fun loving adults when it is hard for me to do the same? I want what is best for my children and yes, it may sound a little selfish when I speak about my happiness, how I want what is best for me. Was I put here to make a difference in the world? Am I to make some HUGE change in the world? Right now, day in and day out I do nothing but the same. Everyday. I awake every morning, get my son ready for school. We watch cartoons until about 10 mins b4 his bus, then I have to read him the school menu for the day. I put him on the bus with a hug and a kiss, then watch him ride away. that's when my BORING life really begins. I get a cup of coffee, check my email(which never has anything good), check my myspace and myyearbook. Most of the time there is nothing there so....yay me!! I then get up and do laundry and clean the house. same routine everyday. The only thing that changes is the fact that my friend candi may come by. That at least gives me someone to talk to. then I am here....kota gets home from school, we do homework, he plays while I watch some TV. Then I cook dinner, go for my run. When I get back I give kota his bath and tuck him in. And then about 1 hr later....I am also in the bed!!!!!!this is my life EVERYDAY!! I am on the prowl to find change. Something to get me out of this stupid rut that I call life!!!!!!!
With Thanksgiving around the corner i just want to say how thankful i am that I'm not in this dark place no more!
life has so much more meaning now.


•my kids are growing into happy vibrant adults


•i have friends i see on a regular basis


• yes, i do laundry and everyday household chores, but, i enjoy it


• I'm cherishing the time with my grandson


• going to church


• scripture study and prayer daily

i guess my point to this is:
no matter where you are in life, what your going through..... it does get better. this post was from 6 years ago and looking back, i never knew how dark i felt my life was. reading some of this older stuff is shocking to me. i can't believe that suicide was ever an option for me, but it was.
never give up! i know it's so hard, i have been there. but, please.... reach out, get help if needed, and talk!! there are people out there just like you and there are people who have been where you are. never be afraid to reach out and talk to someone.
NEVER GIVE UP!
MUAHS

and no matter what, smile!

down 75lbs up 25

Hey sweets 🍬! How are y'all today? Hope your staying warm!! I've really been thinking about this blog. I'm not a professional writer, I don't have a degree. All I have are life experiences. I've been really just thinking of different topics of things other people can possibly learn from me and/or be entertained. So, one of the many things I look up are weight loss tips and tricks.
But, hey!! I wanna learn from y'all too!
I was thin in middle school. But in 9th grade,I started to gain a lil weight..... Maybe just filling out?

Middle school 8th grade prom

Summer before 10th grade

So, I was always considered "big boned"
Once I got pregnant and 3 kids later...... I was pretty plump lol
In 2007 I started doing a ton of walking while I lived in Utah and started losing weight... Yay!

2007 at about my lowest weight since high school
175lbs

Once I moved back to Georgia IT HAPPENED
I was dx'ed with bipolar disorder. As anyone that has a mental illness knows, it's hard at the beginning while the Dr tries all the different med cocktails. The emotional rollercoaster, getting sick, hives, adverse reactions, weight gain, weight loss, sleeping all the time, not sleeping at all, ECT
It really takes a toll on your body. By the time they got my meds adjusted and together I was pretty much at my heaviest and still gaining weight

Me in 2011 at my heaviest
275lbs

Y'all, I was miserable!! I had NO energy
I wanted to sleep all the time
I was a walking zombie
Never left the house

So, can someone please explain to me how the meds were helping me other then sedating me!!?
In 2012 I did the unthinkable.

I do NOT condone this or say it's ok without talking to your Dr first

I stopped ALL meds! Cold turkey!! And it was not easy. But, after 6 months, as I started recognizing my triggers, and knowing how I react to things....i started managing it on my own. Yes, I'd have panic attacks, yes... There were sleepless nights... But, I coped with it and got through it, and still get through it.
Then, weight started falling off. I wasn't dieting, I wasn't exercising, just losing weight.
Within four months I was wearing an 11/12 from a 16/18. Went to the Dr and had lost 60lbs. The Dr did blood work and everything came back normal. He said he was glad of the weight loss(cause I was overweight) but not the way I was losing it. He said it was probably due to anxiety. He suggested me going back on my meds!! I wasn't hearing that!!

So, can you guess what I did?????

I took advantage of this opportunity to make a lifestyle change! I started getting more active and just watching my portions. And, it worked.... The weight kept coming off

So, I took it to a whole other level.
started walking to the gym Mon-Fri (4 miles)
I started running
I added weight training
And started trying to EAT CLEAN as much as possible

It was working great too! Until I broke my foot! Ever since then my motivation had just disappeared!! And it makes me so angry at myself because I've gained back 25lbs and can't get off my butt to get back at it when I know it can be done!!
All it takes is

•becoming more active
• portion control
• eat as clean as possible
• weight training
• time
•dedication
•motivation

Which I'm really lacking in the motivation part!!
Y'all have any tips?
Starting Friday I'm gonna do fitness Friday. I'll take my measurements and weight, and share tips, ups, downs, anything fitness related!! Maybe this will help keep me accountable!

Y'all should join me and we can do this together!!
Muahs

remember to lock your car doors

Yup, I reckon it's that time of year. With holidays quickly approaching, I want you to remember a few things.
•park in well lit parking lots.
• don't carry tons of cash
• and lord knows DO NOT leave your purse in your car/truck!!!!
Yea, I know.... Common sense, right?? It is until you and your daughter are running late and the baby needs baby wipes!
We stopped at our local grocery store a little after 5 yesterday. All we were grabbing was the wipes so, I grabbed the debit card and pushed my purse behind the seat and car seat. (we were in the ranger, so.... Wasn't like it was just sitting in a back seat... It was slightly hid.
Anyhow, 5 mins!! Ran in, grabbed wipes, checked out with no wait, got in the truck and made it to our destination.
Well, I reached back to grab my purse to stick the debit card in it and it was GONE!! I started freaking! Called my daughter to make sure she hadn't grabbed it. Pulled over searching 🔍 the truck, and it was really gone. At this point I'm freaking out!!
I really don't understand why or how people can steal from other people?? Luckily, they didn't get alot of money, but, they did get ALL my info. My birth certificate,I.d., kids info, and all my other cards. So, this morning I've got to go up to the store and view the tape and make a police report. I'm really paying they decided since it had nothing they could use that they just dumped it somewhere!!
Anyhow, I'm trying not to let this get me down, but, that is really hard. So, if you pray.... Maybe mention me??

My dinner date. Trying to forget about what happened for a moment.

Bargain finder!

Y'all know I'm all about finding deals and stuff!! Do you have a dollar general?? Well, for the next 2 days they have select apparel and socks for 50% off!! I found me some warm, cozy, fuzzy PJ's and warm, fuzzy socks!!

PJ's originally 8.00 got em for 4.00
Socks originally 3.00 and I got em for 1.50 for 2 pair
I'm glad I found these cause, I do believe winter is upon us here in Georgia 😒
Til later!
Muahs

my day got better........

Except being a lil manic 😒 that whole post I tried to do earlier really messed me up. I've prayed and I believe I will retry it at a later day. One reason that makes it really hard to talk about my childhood and my mom is because she passed away just a few years ago. But, I will share with y'all soon. Another reason it's so hard is because not many people know my whole story. When I post it, have LMN on stand by, kk?
Anyways, after I calmed down some... My son, daughter, grandson and myself enjoyed some outside time before it gets really cold!!

I really got to take him to get his hair cut this weekend!!
Meanwhile....karsyn was trying to escape

Then karsyn got to play with Maddie and we even helped him climb a tree lol

I just love my lil family to pieces. This is how I deal with most of my issues. Also, here it is after midnight and I just cleaned my whole house AGAIN!! (One plus side to being manic, the downside is I probably won't sleep 💤 and I gotta babysit tomorrow)
Also, I'm really loving cranberry sprite!!! My recent obsession

Is there anything yall are obsessing over right now?? I'd love ❤ to know!!
Muahs

my blog triggered me???

Wow, never thought my blog could be a trigger. This sucks, I'm really feeling it....100!!
I just tried to write a blog about my mom and my childhood. I can honestly say I HATE reliving my childhood 😒 anyhow, I wrote for about an hour and then my phone died! What? Really?? So, my day has been just bad so far. I've been easily annoyed by little things,I got manic as heck.... Lets just say, I cleaned my whole house top to bottom in less then an hr. I'm just now sitting down and trying to compose myself.
I promise I'll redo that blog about why I am the way I am soon. Just, not at this time, please bear with me.......
I don't take meds, so, I cope the best I can on my own....
And please don't judge me. I hate living like a zombie and when I was on my meds...i gained so much weight and it wasn't healthy.
So, until later
Muahs!

aggervated, lol

good morning y'all! I just wanted to write a fast lil line. I promise, I am not neglecting my blog, cause, I've tried to make 15 post since Sunday evening 😒 I'm very annoyed at my app at the moment. So, I finally had to come through my web on my phone.
at least this doesn't crash 💥 after I blog for 20 mins!! I'd use it more, but, unfortunately I can't upload pics.....
so, please be patient 😁
muahs👄

why blog?

Well, I keep journals. But, sometimes I feel like things I go through can maybe, somehow help others.
You see, I'm disabled. You probably wouldn't know it just by looking at me....

See?? Pretty normal looking, right? Ugh...i wish!! I have a long list of mental disabilities .
1. Bipolar
2. Social anxiety
3. Anxiety/panic attacks
4 post traumatic
5. Borderline personality disorder
So, yea.... That's a list. I know when I was first dx'ed, I felt so alone. And it was so hard to talk to people. The hardest thing in the world is when someone ask you "what's wrong"? Wanna know why?? Cause no matter how hard I tried, sometimes the things I were feeling were just....idk, hard to explain?? Like, you can't really put it into words. I feel like one must actually feel it to understand it... Yall know?
Anyhow, hopefully my blogs will help someone reading this, out help someone who has a loved one with any of these disabilities.
So, until next time!! Muahs!!

Remember to always smile!
Ps. Sorry about sideways pics, I'm learning this app