Life & Breakups

So, How have y'all been??!!  Its been such a long time!  huh?  Well, I have a ton of stuff going on in my life now and I figured why not blog???  Right!?

Anyhow, here is the reason why I feel the need to blog.....Ive always wrote blogs to help others who maybe going through things similar to me and hopefully it'll help someone else.  I always tend to write about my mental illness, my faith, and just life in general.  I am praying that this post will help me as well....you know, help clear my mind and maybe even get some insight from some others who maybe going through this as well.

So, 2 1/2 weeks ago, my son's father, my bf of the last 15 years has ended it with me......

Yea, that's exactly what I was thinking......This has been a really hard time for me.....If y'all have read my previous blogs, I am sure i have mentioned a list of mental issues I have, but if you don't know.....here is a list...

• bipolar disorder
• PTSD
• Borderline personality
• Adjustment disorder
• schezo
• social anxiety

So, you can only imagine how this has been going for me.

Week:1

 I was angry, sad, confused, scared, everything! Just a total wreck!!  I haven't had to work in like 8 years, to now.....I HAVE to work to get a place for my son and myself.  On top of that....its sooooo lonely! Especially if you have no friends and things because your focus has been on him for years!! And not on yourself. I constantly wanted to fight with him......just to have a conversation with him and stuff.  BUT, things are getting a little easier to deal with.

Week 2:

Getting easier.....I have finally just left him alone.  Which, when u still live under the same roof it is very hard!!  I finally told him I have no fight left in me.  I was soooo tired! Physically and mentally.  (the reason I am still in his house is because I have no where else to go and I just started working and its gonna take money to move) Anyhow.......I'm done. I am tired of questioning why I was not good enough.  Because, I am GOOD.  and if he didn't see that, well, his loss.  And I am FAR from perfect, I have done some messed up stuff in the past. I give you that.  And I own up to it.  BUT, I have been working hard on myself and my mental illnesses and I guess that just wasn't enough.

During this time I have really gone back to my faith.  I started back into Church.  And I am finally feeling more at peace with myself and this whole messed up situation.  I have been doing a ton of praying and I have come to this realization....

My daddy has always told me growing up that God will never put us through more then we can handle.  I am sure many of y'all have heard this same passage.  Forever I have always wondered if this is true.  I have been through soooo much in the past 39 years.  So much.  But, I have found comfort in my Heavenly Father.  Ive prayed and prayed and I just figure there is something soooo  much better out there for me. And no, I am not talking about a man, I am talking about continuing to better myself. My New Yrs Resolution was to become a better person, mentally, physically and spiritually.  I have lost 40lbs.  I am on a medicine cocktail now that honestly seems to help AND now.......I am drawing closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father.  I feel this is his way of making me better spiritually and that will lead to me being happier and healthier!

Sometimes the negativity and people that hold you back or bring you down need to be removed from our lives.  I know its hard and I know it isn't better over night, but, if you turn to our Heavenly Father....he will comfort you.  Have faith and trust in him that he has a better plan for you.  Start living life for yourself & God and no one else(unless u have kids)

If you are going through anything like this, just know.....

Have a blessed day!

NEW MEDS UGH

Happy Saturday yall!!  So, I have been pretty sick and I have been going to the dr alot lately.  I dont know if I have mentioned in previous posts, but, I was dx'ed with Bipolar disorder back in 08.  I havent been taking meds for it for a couple of years, just coping.  Learning my triggers.....eating right....exercising.  Doing good, Well, I have been having some really horriable headaches lately.  My dr got me to go have an MRI done and some lab work,  My MRI came back ok, I do have swollen arteries and veins though.

My blood work wasnt the best either.  My cholesterol was high and  my sugar was almost high enough to dx me as diabetic.  :( BUT, instead of putting me on Meds, I am trying to get back into eating right and exercising.  (except the fact that my knee has been popping out for a week now and hurts) So, makes it really hard to exercise.(cardio)  My dr suggested for me to go and see a neurologist.  I went and seen one on Weds.  He actually asked me why I wasnt taking anything for my bipolar disorder.  My reply was, I dont like taking meds....BUT.........

I dont like taking the meds cause I know for a few years I was being put on EVERYTHING!  NOTHING was working right for me.  I was on serequel and, gained 75lbs.... I was on sooooo much stuff and I HATED the way most of this stuff made me feel. I remember geodon, CRACK! I didnt sleep for a week on that crap.  Tegretal, I got this HORRIBLE rash.  I mean, do u blame me for just saying screw it?  Ya know???  Well, this dr said that I need to be taking something for it cause it can contribute to my headaches.

So, "here we go again!"  He perscribed me Lamictal 25mgs.  I started taking them yesterday morning.  I HATE it so far!!!  about an hr after I take it, My heart gets to beating in my throat.....I get jittery and and anxious.  EVERYTIME ive taken it.  I want to stop, i want to just throw it away!!  My daughter keeps telling me to give it at least a week.  And I know it takes these meds a little time to get into your system, and I am really trying to continue it.  Have any of u taken this??  What are ur experiances??? PLEASE give me a advice!!!!!!  Anyhow, I am going to go watch the Ga game.  I just dont understand all these meds and wanted to vent a little. I mean, whats the point in taking this stuff when u feel even more crazy on the meds? Make since?

Have a Blessed Saturday!

Hey Yall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, have you missed me??  I hope so!!!!  lol Anyways, so much is going on right now.......I HAVE to write somewhere before I go even more insane then I already am!!!!!!

First off, I did my nails today!!!!  I am sooooooo ready for Spring!

Aren't they adorable????  I am just thankful I was actually able to take a min and get them done......I am not sure how I am feeling about these jamberrys yet.  I have a blog coming soon about that!! (promise)

Anyhow, now to write......

OK, as many of my readers know about me as of now is that I am Bipolar.  Yea, It sucks and yes, I am 37 years old and still learning how to cope with it and it is hard.  Always a battle. And I always hate it when it affects my relationships!!! especially with my daughter!!!! (or any of my family)

When your bipolar, a schedule is a MUST!!! At least for me it is????  I need some bipolar friends to talk to sometimes.....smh!  Anyhow, my daughter and my grandson moved in with my bf, son and myself back in November.  Am I thankful.....YES, is it hard on me??? HECK YES!!!  Anyhow, November to Feb I have been adjusting to having her here and also adjusting to a toddler running around and always into something.  I have had to adjust to more laundry, but that's OK too. I am thankful we have clothes too wash.....lol  I have had to adjust to toys everywhere, but that's OK because at least he has toys.  Y'all get what I am saying, right??  I mean, Yes......all of it is an adjustment and yes it is harder on me, but I manage to get through it.

*disclaimer* y'all, I started this blog a couple of weeks ago!!!! And I am just now back on the draft!!  Another downfall to being bipolar.  I don't have the attention span I need to finish things!!!!

Anyhow, as I was saying, things are just 100x's worse on me then it is on someone without being bipolar!!!  And the hardest thing to do is to explain to someone who is aka "normal".  norms just don't get it!!!!  I have found that writing to y'all does help, I just have to finish what I start!!!

Guess what......so they changed my daughters schedule!! Found this out this week.  Her new schedule consist of me keeping my grandson from about 2 pm until 10 am the following morning!!!  So, more adjusting!!! BUT!!  My daughter and I are doing better, I just hate when I get moody and she don't understand and she gets attitude back and all......just causes more stress but, I am trying to be patient and continue to pray and get through all this!!!!  I am thankful that my daughter was blessed with this job since she is mom & dad for my grandson and I promise I am gonna continue to help her achieve her dreams......even if it is hell on me!!  Isn't that what moms do???  I mean, my mom wasn't there for me, other things had her attention(RIP).  I always said that is something I will always be for my kids.....there for them!!!!  That's only what is right!!! right???

Thanks for letting me vent!!!! I know it is all over the place(thanks to being manic) but it does help me cope and get through things!!!!

I hope all of you are doing good and as always #stayblessed

MUAHS!

A few cheap finds

Good Morning!!!! How are y'all this morning??  I am pretty good.  Just listening to music this morning.  Sometimes with my bipolar and stuff, I get into these moods were I don't wanna be messed with.  Withdraw from others sometimes.  I am not in the completely isolated mood as of right now, but, no kids are up and its quiet.  Sitting at the table, listening, reading, writing, always a good therapy!!

First off......CUTENESS OVERLOAD!

Anyhow, I got a couple of things this past week that I thought were total steals and I was gonna share with y'all!

First thing I got at Walmart.  Let me first say this about Walmart......my personal opinion!!  OK??  I remember when I used to get picked on growing up if I wore anything Walmart, but you know what??!!  Walmart is ridiculously priced! I mean, their no name shoes are almost as much as a pair of Nike's at the mall!!  Same goes with their clothes nowadays.  I'd much rather spend a little more for something that is made to last a little longer then Walmart things!

BUT, If you're into statement pieces for your outfit.......Walmart carries them for like 10 bucks!!  Some of these pieces are super adorable!!  I found this piece on clearance for only 3.00!! Which, is a STEAL!!!!!  Look how adorable this is!

So cute!!!!  Right!??  They had others too but, this one matched my outfit perfectly for date night!!  

The next thing I found were these adorable sunglasses!!  OK, who watches "party down south"?  I admit it!!! I do!! Of course I'm not feeling the cast of the 2nd one as much as the originals. BUT there is a cast member named raven, aka Barbie and she always has on these adorbs sunglasses!!!!

 



I swear she has these in every color!!!  And I am not gonna lie, I used to not like her at all.....shhhhhhhh!!  But, she has grown to be one of my faves!!!! lol ANYHOOO

How stinking cute!!! And they were only $2.00!!! SCORE! winner winner chicken dinner!!!!!!

yes, I am in my pj's, no.....it doesn't matter cause it doesn't concern u!!! ha-ha!!! really cute glasses for only 2 bucks though!!  

So, I just wanted to share that with y'all!! I'm frfr about checking out those statement pieces from Walmart!!  They are totally worth the money!!  And the glasses, sorry y'all, they came from a local place here in my town!!

Let me get back to my music and start checking my beautiful social media! lol

Love y'all!! Until next time!!! BBBBYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Ps, enjoy your #SundayFunday

Muahs!

adjustment disorder

So....yesterday was not the best day for me. I swear i experienced every emotion!

Along with my bipolar disorder(and many other mental illness i have) another thing i struggle with is adjustment disorder. This really sucks.

An adjustment disorder (AD) occurs when an individual is unable to adjust to or cope with a particular stressor, like a major life event. Since people with this disorder normally have symptoms that depressed people do, such as general loss of interest, feelings of hopelessness and crying, this disorder is sometimes known as situational depression. Unlike major depression the disorder is caused by an outside stressor and generally resolves once the individual is able to adapt to the situation.

Some emotional signs of adjustment disorder are

·Sadness
·Hopelessness
·Lack of enjoyment
·Crying spells
·Nervousness
·Anxiety
·Worry
·Desperation
·Trouble sleeping
·Difficulty concentrating
·Feeling overwhelmed
·thoughts of suicide

Some behavioral signs of AD are

·Fighting
·Reckless driving
·Ignoring important tasks such as bills or homework
·Seeking approval from others by any way possible (cheating/lying/escaping reality)
·Avoiding family or friends
·Performing poorly in school/wk
·Skipping school/wk
·Vandalizing property

When my Dr explained this sickness too me, she said that my body adapts to change, but....it is harder and takes longer for my brain too adjust to change.....which brings me too my day yesterday.

Y'all know my daughter and her son came to visit last month. Well, due too some circumstances....we have decided that her and Karsyn would be moving back in with us. Yay!! Yes.....I'm super excited! I'll get to be with my daughter and grandson all the time!! Anyhow, this move is a great thing! I know this is what my daughter needs so she can start building a life with her son.

The thing i hate most about AD it's how it effects others around you. We live in a small 2 bedroom house with 3 people and 2 dogs(plus a foster/stray) and now I'm having to accommodate for another adult and a toddler. I really don't mind it!! Really!!

Anyhow, yesterday i was cleaning out my son's room, making room to add my daughter's bed and stuff,and it was totally overwhelming!! I swear i cried, screamed, yelled, threw stuff.....bad day all together😣 the worse thing about it is.....i can't control all these emotions and it completely drains me when i have one of those days. On top of that, my daughter made a few comments like she felt like she was taking her brothers room from him(not true....her brother totally understands)  and also she said she felt as though she is imposing.(also not true, d and myself really enjoy having them here)

It really hurts my heart to know my daughter feels like this and i know it's because of my actions😞 but, these are things i can't control.

I feel like I'm really just writing this blog for those of you who have loved ones suffering from this. I'm trying to show you that when things like this happen, it's not us being mad at anyone....it's not us not liking the situation.....it's just us,  and how we cope with change and adjust.  So please, never....NEVER take anything you hear or see to heart....please. it's so hard to have someone who completely understand us and our disorder. D has been with me for 12 years and i still don't even think he truly understands my disabilities or completely gets it. I pray this blog helps my loved ones(and others dealing with this) understand mine(or anyone else's) behavior just a little better.

If you wanna read more about adjustment disorder go here. I really do believe the first step to helping someone is learning and understanding things about their disability.

And with me, when i get this way....it's so frustrating to not be able to control all these emotions, which makes me frustrated and heightens my anxiety. Who else had AD?? What helps y'all cope with change?

And to my daughter who might read this.....i love you! I'm very glad your here....I'm thankful for you....you have always supported me and have always helped me when it comes to my disabilities. Thank you for being understanding most of the time😝 lol

Muahs!

wow, so glad things are better for me

happy Sunday y'all!! i was going through my old blog and i found this post from Sept 12, 2008
Have u ever......just sat around and wonder what the real purpose in life was? Ugh! I do all of the time and it drives me bananas. I wonder why I chose this life. I mean, other then my children, what am I here for. What am I to do? I am doing the best that I can to raise my children right. To give them the values to have a happy life. It bothers me though for I am not happy. How can I raise my children to be vibrant caring fun loving adults when it is hard for me to do the same? I want what is best for my children and yes, it may sound a little selfish when I speak about my happiness, how I want what is best for me. Was I put here to make a difference in the world? Am I to make some HUGE change in the world? Right now, day in and day out I do nothing but the same. Everyday. I awake every morning, get my son ready for school. We watch cartoons until about 10 mins b4 his bus, then I have to read him the school menu for the day. I put him on the bus with a hug and a kiss, then watch him ride away. that's when my BORING life really begins. I get a cup of coffee, check my email(which never has anything good), check my myspace and myyearbook. Most of the time there is nothing there so....yay me!! I then get up and do laundry and clean the house. same routine everyday. The only thing that changes is the fact that my friend candi may come by. That at least gives me someone to talk to. then I am here....kota gets home from school, we do homework, he plays while I watch some TV. Then I cook dinner, go for my run. When I get back I give kota his bath and tuck him in. And then about 1 hr later....I am also in the bed!!!!!!this is my life EVERYDAY!! I am on the prowl to find change. Something to get me out of this stupid rut that I call life!!!!!!!
With Thanksgiving around the corner i just want to say how thankful i am that I'm not in this dark place no more!
life has so much more meaning now.


•my kids are growing into happy vibrant adults


•i have friends i see on a regular basis


• yes, i do laundry and everyday household chores, but, i enjoy it


• I'm cherishing the time with my grandson


• going to church


• scripture study and prayer daily

i guess my point to this is:
no matter where you are in life, what your going through..... it does get better. this post was from 6 years ago and looking back, i never knew how dark i felt my life was. reading some of this older stuff is shocking to me. i can't believe that suicide was ever an option for me, but it was.
never give up! i know it's so hard, i have been there. but, please.... reach out, get help if needed, and talk!! there are people out there just like you and there are people who have been where you are. never be afraid to reach out and talk to someone.
NEVER GIVE UP!
MUAHS

and no matter what, smile!

my day got better........

Except being a lil manic 😒 that whole post I tried to do earlier really messed me up. I've prayed and I believe I will retry it at a later day. One reason that makes it really hard to talk about my childhood and my mom is because she passed away just a few years ago. But, I will share with y'all soon. Another reason it's so hard is because not many people know my whole story. When I post it, have LMN on stand by, kk?
Anyways, after I calmed down some... My son, daughter, grandson and myself enjoyed some outside time before it gets really cold!!

I really got to take him to get his hair cut this weekend!!
Meanwhile....karsyn was trying to escape

Then karsyn got to play with Maddie and we even helped him climb a tree lol

I just love my lil family to pieces. This is how I deal with most of my issues. Also, here it is after midnight and I just cleaned my whole house AGAIN!! (One plus side to being manic, the downside is I probably won't sleep 💤 and I gotta babysit tomorrow)
Also, I'm really loving cranberry sprite!!! My recent obsession

Is there anything yall are obsessing over right now?? I'd love ❤ to know!!
Muahs

my blog triggered me???

Wow, never thought my blog could be a trigger. This sucks, I'm really feeling it....100!!
I just tried to write a blog about my mom and my childhood. I can honestly say I HATE reliving my childhood 😒 anyhow, I wrote for about an hour and then my phone died! What? Really?? So, my day has been just bad so far. I've been easily annoyed by little things,I got manic as heck.... Lets just say, I cleaned my whole house top to bottom in less then an hr. I'm just now sitting down and trying to compose myself.
I promise I'll redo that blog about why I am the way I am soon. Just, not at this time, please bear with me.......
I don't take meds, so, I cope the best I can on my own....
And please don't judge me. I hate living like a zombie and when I was on my meds...i gained so much weight and it wasn't healthy.
So, until later
Muahs!

why blog?

Well, I keep journals. But, sometimes I feel like things I go through can maybe, somehow help others.
You see, I'm disabled. You probably wouldn't know it just by looking at me....

See?? Pretty normal looking, right? Ugh...i wish!! I have a long list of mental disabilities .
1. Bipolar
2. Social anxiety
3. Anxiety/panic attacks
4 post traumatic
5. Borderline personality disorder
So, yea.... That's a list. I know when I was first dx'ed, I felt so alone. And it was so hard to talk to people. The hardest thing in the world is when someone ask you "what's wrong"? Wanna know why?? Cause no matter how hard I tried, sometimes the things I were feeling were just....idk, hard to explain?? Like, you can't really put it into words. I feel like one must actually feel it to understand it... Yall know?
Anyhow, hopefully my blogs will help someone reading this, out help someone who has a loved one with any of these disabilities.
So, until next time!! Muahs!!

Remember to always smile!
Ps. Sorry about sideways pics, I'm learning this app